Reno's Nightmare
by Kalta79
Summary: I hadn't written in so long that I had to write something! #This Was Supposed To Be A One Shot #Situational Humiliation #AU #Nonsense #Reno's Secret Past Exposed #Sexual Content Many thanks to obsidians for letting me use the 'girly' Reno character, taken from her Stolen story.
1. Chapter 1

" _You expect me to what_?!" Reno asked, looking at his superior with rejection clearly written on his face.

"We've discovered that some of the younger AVALANCHE members are in fact still in high school, and we need you to infiltrate their high school Halloween party tomorrow night." Tseng calmly explained, though he was enjoying the obvious discomfort of his oft rebellious second-in-command.

"Yeah, but why does that mean I have to…" Reno continued, almost whining.

"Oh for Gaia's sake, man up!" Elena snapped. "The R&D boys have tested their new matera-enhanced gizmo and all it does is reverse your body's aging process to your teenage self. Don't tell me you're afraid of being a teenager again?"

"I'm a Turk, I'm not afraid of anything!" Reno angrily denied her accusation, even though a dread chill came over him at her words.

"Good. Then make your fellow Turks proud and be at the lab at 0900. Dismissed." Tseng told him unequivocally, and Reno grouchily slunk out of his office and headed to his favorite bar.

As soon as he sat down at his usual stool, he ordered a double whisky on the rocks and took out his phone. He scrolled through his numerous lady friends, wondering who he should pick to help fortify him for the upcoming mission. He finally settled on a pair of twins, and by the time they arrived, he had drowned his sorrows just enough to not impede his performance. They ended up in a posh hotel suite, and Reno happily fell into an exhausted sleep as the twins' exotic floral perfumes mingled with the smell of sweat and sex, intertwined just like their bodies still were.

" _Where am I?" Reno asked, looking around. He seemed to be in some sort of fancy-schmancy dining room, but he didn't remember how he got there. A red-headed woman in a blue kimono was sitting at the table, patiently waiting for something, not touching the gourmet food in front of them. From his distance from her, she seemed rather pretty, so he approached her. "Excuse me, Miss, is this seat taken?" The woman turned her head to look at him and Reno bit back a shriek…it wasn't a woman, it was himself trussed up to look like one!_

" _Wh…who…oh my goodness…you're…I'm…" the feminized version of himself blushed as they stuttered in shock before daintily passing out._

" _Who's idea of a joke is this?!" Reno demanded to know as he stared disgustedly at his pretty self. His other self not only looked like a woman, they were one of those weaklings he despised…he liked feisty women._

"Huh? What's a joke?" one of the twins sleepily muttered, and Reno was relieved to find himself right where he should be.

"Nothing, just a dream." he replied, thinking it was more like a nightmare, and playfully squeezed her breast before falling back asleep.

 _Now Reno found himself in a library, which didn't impress him. He was well-educated, but as part of his job requirements. He preferred comedy or action-adventure flicks for leisure time. He thought he was alone until he saw a book being taken on the other side of the bookcase from him, and he caught a glimpse of a man's chest in a sweater and tweed jacket. "Hey Mister, can you tell me where I am?" he asked, walking to the next aisle. Reno got another ugly shock when he was confronted with another version of himself, this time looking like a boring stuffed-shirt professor._

" _You…where do you come from?" the professor was also shocked to see another version of himself, but he handled it better than the girly version did._

" _I'm the one asking the questions, buddy!" Reno snapped in confusion as to what was going on._

"You know you can ask us anything you like." the other twin said, and Reno was grateful to be back in the hotel suite. He tried to stay awake this time, but he fell back asleep anyway.

 _This time he was in some sort of…it was a kitchen, but it felt like it was in the basement. And both of the other versions of himself were there as well. "Alright, what in the hell is going on here?" Reno demanded of them._

" _I don't know, but if we go over the events just before we all ended up here, we might come to a logical conclusion." his professor self said as his girly self blushed at his crude language._

" _I was sleeping comfortably in the arms of a very agile pair of twins." Reno proudly stated as his girly self blushed even harder at the mention of something sexual._

" _And I was just about to head home from the university and relieve my lovely wife Tifa from diaper duty." the professor self said._

" _Ti…Tifa? Tifa Lockhart? I…my mother told me I was going to meet her as a prospective wife. She's one of the few who can afford the groom price my mother is asking for me." his girly self admitted._

" _Groom price?" Reno and his professor self asked simultaneously._

" _Yes, I've won four beauty pageants and my embroidery has won prizes." his girly self proudly announced as his two other selves looked askance at him._

" _I bet you cook too." Reno said disgustedly._

" _Of course, can't you?" his girly self asked._

" _Hell no!" Reno exclaimed. "I'm never getting married but if I had, I'd let my wife do that."_

" _I cook for Tifa on occasion to give her a break." his professor self told him before turning to the girly self. "If your Tifa is anything like mine, snatch her up and you'll never be sorry."_

" _Oh, it's for her to snatch me up. And I will endeavor to be the best most supportive husband I can to her." his girly self told the professor self._

" _You guys are both whipped!" Reno felt terribly annoyed over that fact. "And your plan didn't work, Professor! Only thing we know is you two are suckers for some gal named Tifa Lockhart!"_

"Who is Tifa?" both twins asked Reno rather testily.

"Huh? Oh nothing, just a bad dream. Sorry girls, but I've got a long day ahead of me, I'm gonna take a shower and head out." he said as he got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. Reno didn't care if it was only 4 a.m., he wasn't going back to sleep!

"Just stand still." the scientist told Reno. "This won't hurt, and the effect only lasts 24 hours, so it's nothing to worry about."

"Easy for you to say." Reno grumped as the scientist aimed and fired a bright materia beam at him, and engulfed him in light.

When the light faded, the scientist gawked at him and a smile spread over his face. "Well I never…you were a…"

"Yeah yeah…what of it?" Reno groused and took out the pimple cream he bought on his way to the lab and smeared it all over his face. "I was short until I was 17."

"Hey, you can't leave yet, we've got to make you look like a proper high school kid!" the scientist said when Reno started to leave, even though he really just wanted to take some pictures.

"It's Halloween, remember?" Reno pointed out rudely and continued leaving.

"You're a chaperone?" Reno was surprised to see Rude at the high school gym when he arrived at the Halloween party.

"Yeah, I'm keeping an eye on things." Rude said, hiding a smile as he for once got to look down at his longtime partner. "Now go mingle like a good boy."

"Whatever." Reno snapped, upset at his secret past exposed…at least all they knew was what he looked like, they didn't know how much of a nerd he was until he gained extra inches and became quite the punk when he fell in with the wrong crowd his last year of high school, and ended up getting noticed by the Turks. Making his way to the punch bowl past some monsters and celebrity imposters, he asked the pretty dark-haired female student serving it for a cup. "How come we can't pour our own?"

"Oh, I volunteered. The bad boys are less likely to spike anything this way." she answered cheerfully as she handed him a plastic cup of the punch.

"So what are you supposed to be?" he asked conversationally. Her outfit wasn't like anyone else's.

"It's not a costume." she replied. "Well, not exactly. It's my training outfit. I'm a martial artist."

"Oh?" Reno's interested was piqued, though he reminded himself she wasn't legal yet, but in a few years…her figure would get better with age.

She nodded. "So who are you supposed to be? I don't think I've seen you before…"

"If you tell me what's your name, I'll tell you my costume and name." Reno offered.

"Tifa." she answered after a moment's wary hesitation.

Reno's eyes bugged out and he spit his punch out, barely missing her. "Your last name wouldn't be Lockhart, would it?"

"Yeah, but how'd you know?" she asked.

"Oh, fuck me…" Reno muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

"Excuse me?" Tifa was offended and surprised that such a…sad…looking boy would know and use such language.

"Nothing." he replied. "I gotta get outta here." Before he could leave however, a tough-looking chaperone showed up and hauled him off.

"Was that little pathetic-looking dork bothering you?" Cloud asked, coming up to her.

"Don't be so mean!" Tifa chided her boyfriend. He may be the most popular boy in school, but the way he treated everybody was really starting to bother her. Sure that boy did look dorky, but calling someone pathetic was not cool.

* * *

"Just what do you think you're doing?" Rude asked his partner once they were in the hallway alone.

"That Tifa is bad news!" Reno exclaimed. "I gotta protect my manhood!"

Rude barely stopped himself from laughing at his pint-sized pimply faced superior ranting about manhood. "All you gotta do is **finish the mission**. Otherwise protecting your manhood will be the worst of your problems."

"Don't forget I outrank you!" Reno retorted.

"Not here ya don't, buddy. I could call your parents on you. Now get back in there!" Rude fired back, now that he was beginning to understand why Reno preferred to keep himself distanced from his parents, above and beyond the secrecy required for their jobs. They raised a nerd, and he no doubt was embarrassed by their memories of him growing up.

"Is there a problem?" the principal asked them as he stepped out into the hallway.

"No, sir." Rude answered. "I was just making sure this new student understood the rules and doesn't start any trouble."

"Alright, well back inside with both of you then, please." the principal said, finding it hard to believe such a awkward-looking young man could be trouble.

* * *

"Are you okay?" Tifa asked Reno when he reappeared for more punch.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about earlier, I…um…have Tourette's. I didn't mean to insult you." he lied.

"Oh, that's too bad." Tifa said sympathetically. "If you need any help with anything, let me know."

"I'll let you know." Reno replied, staring at how her breasts moved when she handed him the punch.

"So you said you'd tell me what your costume is?" she asked, changing the subject.

"Oh…um…I'm a…dungeon master." Reno said the first thing popped into his head.

* * *

 ** _Twelve years ago_**

"Richard, I've been getting numerous complaints about your wardrobe choices lately." the high school principal told the nervous student.

"Complaints?" Richard stopped scratching at his acne to nervously run his fingers through his unruly red hair.

"Yes. A shirt saying DUNGEON MASTERS ARE SEXY is not appropriate for school." the principal explained.

"But we are!" Richard protested. "I'm a D&D master!"

"D&D?" the principal asked blankly. "Oh that…board game? That's what you meant?"

"Yeah! I run the local player's club, and no one's beat me yet!" Richard stated proudly. "What else would I mean?"

The principal barely controlled his laughter at the innocent boy's ignorance. "Well, never mind that. Just promise me you won't wear that shirt again."

"Yes, sir." Richard tried to avoid pouting…he was so proud of his shirt and he had earned the right to wear it with his countless hours of practicing. But not wearing it at school wouldn't be so bad, he didn't want his parents to find out what he was wearing, they'd start picking out his clothes again.

* * *

"A dungeon master?" Tifa stared at him. "What's that?"

"Hey shrimpy, quit bugging my girl." Cloud exclaiming, rudely shoving Reno aside and putting his arm around Tifa.

"Cloud! I told you to be nice!" she snapped.

"Hey, I am being nice. I didn't shove him in a locker, did I?" Cloud replied.

"I think my curfew's almost up so I'm gonna go home now. Nice meeting you." Reno told them, wanting to get far away from Tifa. She had this Cloud guy, and was obviously trying to de-man him too, so he wished they'd stay together and he'd be safe.


	3. Chapter 3

Reno carefully snuck back into his apartment later that night, making sure no one saw his teenaged self. Gratefully throwing himself down on his bed, he closed his eyes to try and sleep off his humiliation at having his past exposed and his discontent at meeting Tifa. Sure she had great breasts already, and a nice face, but she wasn't legal yet, and she was bad news. "I've seen too many breasts to count, hers aren't special." he told himself as he finally drifted off to sleep.

* * *

 _As Richard made his way to the dungeon Master's office, he tried to not to stare at the funnily-dressed people he saw, not recognizing any of the outfits as a D &D character he was familiar with. After the principal's warning, he had found what must have been the other dungeons he was talking about, and wanted to retain his title as Dungeon Master. Reaching the door, he knocked and waited politely until someone opened it, and suddenly he was confronted by bare skin._

 _"Yes?" the taller topless woman drawled, wondering who he was._

 _Having never seen a woman's breasts before, Richard made some gurgling noises and unconsciously licked his lips before he remembered what he had come here for. "I…um…want to see your boo…uh I mean the master, please."_

 _"Who is it?" a man's voice asked._

 _"Someone to see you, Sir." she replied, moving out of the way so they could see each other._

 _"What do you want?" the dungeon Master asked Richard as he looked him over, a short red-haired pimply-faced lad in braces, wearing a black cloak and carrying a box._

 _"I'm here to challenge you." Richard announced after summoning his courage. This dungeon master didn't seem like much of a threat…he just looked like a nondescript older man. "We'll see who the real D &D master is."_

 _The woman started to laugh after a moment of stunned silence, stopping only when her Master frowned at her, though he felt like laughing himself, and he was unable to stop himself from smiling at the poor boy. "How old are you?"_

 _"I'm almost 16. Now can we play?" Richard blurted out as he held the game box out, trying to keep his eyes on the master, but they kept being drawn back to the topless woman, unaware he was blushing for all he was worth._

 _"That's an intriguing offer, but that's not how we do things around here, and you're too young. Come back when you're legal and ask me again. My slave will show you out." he replied calmly._

 _Richard found himself being escorted back to the entrance by the topless woman. "Nice cloak by the way." she told him in an amused patronizing tone._

 _"Nice bo…" he started to say, but she had turned and closed the door before he could finish, and his eyes almost bugged out again at the glimpse of her walking away from him. She had a short tight skirt that hugged her body perfectly, and the way her rear end moved, he had never seen anything like that before. "I saw boobies!" he couldn't stop himself from exclaiming in a daze._

* * *

"Reporting for duty." Reno said with a grimace as he entered Tseng's office the next morning. "I don't have to do any of the homework, do I?"

"Actually Reno, you've been reassigned." Tseng hid his smile at his second-in-command's discomfort at reverting to a high school nerd. Maybe this experience would teach Reno some manners, though he doubted it. "Elena doesn't need anything except a change in wardrobe to be accepted as a high school student, she'll infiltrate them in no time."

"Whatever." Reno was glad at his sudden reprieve, but he didn't like the implication of being unfit for any mission.

* * *

"What's wrong?" Rude asked Reno as they met for a beer after work. "You're you again, aren't you?"

"Yeah, but I don't wanna hear anything about what I looked like then, okay? That was a lifetime ago." Reno replied.

"What about how you freaked out when that cute kid Tifa introduced herself to you?" Rude smiled at his partner, who merely glowered as he gulped down his beer.

* * *

"Need some help?" Cloud asked the pretty blonde who was looking around like she couldn't find something.

"I'm new here, would you mind telling me where the biology lab is?" she asked.

"Sure, I'm on my way there." he said and gestured for her to follow him, and after a couple turns and going up some stairs, he opened a door and let her go first.

"You're late." a pretty girl in the first row said when she saw Cloud.

"I was helping…" Cloud realized he didn't know the blonde's name.

"My name's Elena." she said with a smile. "Thanks for helping me find my way here...um, I don't know your name either."

"He's Cloud, and I'm Tifa." the girl told her, and Elena detected a hint of jealousy or possessiveness in her voice.

"Nice to meet both of you, I've heard about you already." Elena admitted.

"Oh? From who?" they both wanted to know.

"My cousin. He met you both at the dance last night. And I'd like to apologize for him." Elena replied.

"Who's your cousin?" Tifa asked. "I knew everyone at the dance last night, except for that poor…oh." she stopped and her cheeks turned a little pink. "You don't have apologize for him…but he disappeared and I was worried about him."

"He does that a lot." Elena said, and having seen Tifa in person now, she felt a need to spike Reno's guns, so to speak. "If you ever see him again, there's some things you should know about him and his 'problems'."

"Problems?" Tifa asked innocently. "He already admitted that he has Tourette's."

"Oh, did he try that on you?" Elena gave a long-suffering sigh. "He tries to use that so he can get away with bad behavior. It's his way to compensate for being such a nerd."

"He's the biggest nerd I've ever seen." Cloud agreed, then caught Tifa's look of reprimand. "Well he is!"

Before Elena could make up more crap about Reno, the science teacher arrived to start the class, and she was glad she didn't have to pretend to care, since she had already finished school.


	4. Chapter 4

"What is that godawful sound?!" Rude exclaimed as he entered the cockpit and took his co-pilot seat.

"What, you've never heard Asshole before?" Reno asked in surprise. "Man, what rock have you been living under?"

"One I'd like to get back to, so let's hurry up and get this mission over with please." Rude said testily.

"Let's blow this popsicle stand!" Reno blurted out as he took off unexpectedly, startling Rude.

"You are an asshole." Rude told him, and Reno just smiled complacently. Ever since that stupid high school mission two years ago, he felt a need to remind himself frequently that he was no longer that little zit-laden pipsqueak, so he listened to the song that started him on the path to who he was now.

* * *

 _Richard was glad his parents were out for the night, though they had been very vague about where they were going and just told him not to wait up for them. With nothing else to do, he turned on MTV, which he never dared watch when his parents were home. His couldn't stop himself from blushing as he listened to some guy swearing right there on the TV, and then he started paying more attention to the lyrics, and something clicked within him. Ever since he started all of a sudden getting taller and taller and his skin cleared up, outwardly he was different, but he didn't know what to do with himself…his cloak didn't fit him anymore, and sure the female students paid him more attention now, but he still didn't know how to approach them. Now here was some guy singing that he could have the surburbian dream his parents wanted for him and more "That's what I need to be, an asshole!" he exclaimed._

* * *

"Those are interesting…are they tattoos or birthmarks?" asked the attractive brunette sitting next to Reno and Rude at the bar.

"They're tattoos. One of a kind." Reno smiled charmingly at her. There was nothing he liked better after a successful mission than to down a few beers with Rude followed by casual and hopefully wild sex with some random woman he'd probably never see again, and the bad boy routine never failed except with the prudes he really didn't want anyway. "Few people can handle getting tattoos on their face." he said with pride.

* * *

 _"Ow ow ow!" Richard cried out. "Are you done yet?"_

 _"I'm only tracing the design." the tattoo artist explained, trying to keep the disgust out of his voice at yet another wannabe tough guy who wimped out over a few needles. "You'll need to stay still when I'm actually doing the tattoo."_

 _Richard bit his lip during the tattooing process and tried to remember why he was doing this…in his mind, being an asshole meant breaking the law, but there were no gangs in his nice middle-class neighborhood. So he decided to be like one of his favorite D &D characters, a mercenary. He'd be a lone wolf type until he got noticed. And bad guys always had tattoos, so here he was. "I'm awesome!" he exclaimed when it was finally over and he looked at himself in the mirror._

 _"Sure you are." the artist said sarcastically. "Here's a little pamphlet on proper care of your new tats, so don't come crying to me if they get infected. Now pay up!"_

 _"If you can catch me!" Richard bolted for the door and as fast as he was, he would have made a clean getaway if another customer hadn't come in just then, and he ran into them and fell on his ass._

 _"You think you've got the cojones to try and skip out on me?" The artist angrily grabbed Richard and tossed him back into the chair, reaching into Richard's pocket for his wallet. "We no speak English?" Richard tried using the line he had seen the tougher kids use at high school when they got in trouble. "We'll see about that…well look at this…I think I'll call your parents." "Please don't." Richard pleaded as he paled. "Anything but that." "Too late, buddy." the artist picked up the phone. "Nice family by the way…is this Patrick Sinclair?"_

 _Richard hung his head down, knowing he was in for it now, and it was even worse than he imagined. Both of his parents came down to the tattoo parlor, and his mother was nearly in tears over her precious little Dickie ruining his cute angelic face and then trying to run out on his bill. His father just had a set look of disappointment on his face, and wouldn't say anything to him, which was just as bad. He paid the tattoo artist, and then they drove Richard back home, and it felt like he was in the back of a cop car being sent to jail, and he just kept repeating his 'We no speak English' line._

 _"Why'd you do it, my baby?" his mother finally asked tearfully._

 _"Because I'm not a baby anymore, I'm a man!" Richard pouted. They finally pulled into their own driveway, but instead of being sent to his room, Richard was surprised when his father demanded he get in the front seat after his mother went inside to start dinner. "Where are we going?" Richard asked in surprise when his father drove off again._

 _"Well, We no, I think you and I need to have a father-son talk." he replied. "You're definitely growing up, literally as well, but there's some things I want you to understand about being a man."_

 _Richard was only half-listening to his father, he was distracted by his own thoughts again. At first he was afraid this was going to be the sex talk, but when it became about 'being a man', Richard realized that was his next step into actually doing that, he needed to have sex!_


	5. Chapter 5

"Why'd you pick this place?" Reno asked Rude as they entered the clean bar. He preferred dirty dives or high-class ritzy ones. The drinks were the best and the women even better. Average places like this reminded him of the neighborhood he grew up in.

"The barkeeper is a real treat to look at, but please don't make her mad." Rude answered as they sat down at a booth.

"Whatever man." Reno muttered. He hated trying to pick up chicks in places like this. They tended to be more interested in getting white picket fences than a coveted spot in his little black book. And if they reminded him of his mother too much, he couldn't perform and he hated that even more.

"What can I get for…oh, hello Rude." Tifa said as she looked at the two of them. "The usual?"

"Yes please, Tifa. And the same for my friend here." he replied.

"Does your friend have a name?" Tifa asked. Why did he stare at her so peculiarly almost like he was afraid of her?

"This is Reno." Rude enjoyed the rare experience of rendering his long-time partner speechless.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Reno blurted out after Tifa headed back to the bar to get their orders, wondering why the redhead seemed familiar to her.

"Yep." Rude smiled at his friend's discomfort. "She grew up pretty, didn't she?"

"Yeah, but…" Reno floundered mentally for an excuse. "She's too innocent. I bet every woman in here is still a virgin!"

"Not like you, eh buddy?" Rude was used to his conquest bragging by now.

"Nope." Reno's expression turned smug.

* * *

 _"Care to buy me one too, handsome?" a female voice asked, startling Richard, and he turned around to see a girl around his own age looking up at him. Her blonde hair was crimped and she had so much eye makeup on he wasn't sure what color they were. His eyes traveled downward more and stopped when he realized she was wearing a low-cut top that easily teased his hormonal self._

 _"Uh, sure." Richard agreed, trying out the new voice he had been trying to practice to make himself sound cooler. A pretty girl had called him handsome! He grabbed another microwavable burger and took it to the cashier, who looked at her and then him and just shrugged._

 _"You wouldn't happen to have a car too, would you?" she asked as she took the burger from him and walked over to the microwave._

 _"Yeah, do you need a ride somewhere?" he inquired._

 _"Something like that." she said and smiled at him._

 _Before Richard knew what was going on, he and the girl were in the backseat of the used car his parents bought him and unfamiliar but welcome sensations were flooding through him as she expertly kissed him. "What are you doing?" he nearly shrieked when she unzipped his ratty jeans and stuck her hand into his boxers._

 _"Don't worry, I have a condom." the blonde reached down into her pocket and pulled it out with her free hand to show him. "See?"_

 _Richard, loudly moaning as he became larger and harder in her hand, eagerly snatched the condom from her, only to drop it as his nervous fingers tried to rip it open. "No!" he shrieked._

 _"You clumsy jerk!" she exclaimed. "You better find it or I'm outta here."_

 _"I will, just gimme a sec!" Richard desperately looked for it, not wanting to give up his first chance at sex. He had tried asking one of the girls in the D &D club, but he only got slapped in the face for his troubles. It was hard for his new lanky body to maneuver in the backseat, especially with company and in the comprising position he was in, but he did his best. "Here it is!" he exclaimed happily. It had fallen under his cloak, which he was supposed to take to the dry cleaners before storing it away._

 _"What's that?" she asked, referring to the cloak._

 _"Oh, um, just a funny blanket." he said as he started to toss it up front._

 _"You might wanna cover us with it…you don't wanna moon the whole parking lot, do you? They might spoil our fun then." she pointed out._

 _Richard didn't wanna stop, so he did what she said. Next was putting the condom on, and he had a little trouble with it, but he managed as the blonde got more and more impatient with him. Realizing that now he was actually going to have sex, he froze momentarily, further frustrating his companion._

 _"Oh, come on!" she snapped. Richard was shocked again when she moved a little and suddenly he was inside her. Trying to play it off like he knew what he was doing, he started emulating what he had seen on TV._

 _"Yeah, baby!" he nearly shouted as he let his body guide him on what to do next. The intense feelings grew stronger and stronger within him, just as his vocal utterances grew louder and louder, until everything just burst. As he became aware of his surroundings again, he noticed she looked disappointed and was going to ask why when suddenly there was a pounding on the window._

 _"Janey, I know you're in there! Get out here this instant!" a gruff voice bellowed._

 _"Oh dammit, it's my sister. Hurry up and get off me, I've got to get dressed again." Janey said._

 _The door opened before that happened, and Richard found himself being hauled out of the car half-naked, coming face to face with Janey's older sister, though Richard didn't think she was very feminine, from the back he might have mistaken her for a man. "Can I help you?" he asked in a unwillingly high-pitched voice._

 _"Yeah, you can give me your keys." the woman said._

 _"Here they are, Bertha." Janey took them out of her pocket and handed them to her sister. "Speedy Gonzalez here wasn't even worth it."_

 _"What's going on ?" he asked._

 _"She was gonna steal your car after she got you in a compromising position, you poor sap." Bertha explained._

 _"I should have too, but he looked like more fun than he turned out to be." Janey complained._

 _Now I'm just gonna use it to take my sister home, you can find it here again in the morning….what's your name, honey?" Bertha examined Richard more closely._

 _He realized he was in trouble, so he tried to say his name and "We no speak English." at the same time, and it came out jumbled._

 _"Reno? Is that what you said?" Bertha asked, then shrugged. "You're cute for a toothpick."_

 _"Hey, you can't take my car!" Richard protested as the sisters got in the front seats._

 _"We can and we are. Here, use your funny blanket to get home." Janey threw it out the window at him as they drove off._

 _Richard stared blankly after them, wondering what he was supposed to do…his pants were still around his ankles and he couldn't very well pull them up and fasten them cause he still had the condom on…and his shirt was still in the car too. Sighing, he picked up the cloak and used it to cover his front as best he could as he shuffled back into the 7-11. Grabbing all the pennies in the little collection tray by the register, he was blushing as he handed them to the cashier. "I…um…need some nickels and dimes for the pay phone so I can call my parents please."_

* * *

"Seriously man, what is your problem with Tifa?" Rude asked Reno, feeling exasperated with his partner's reluctance to have anything to do with her. "It's not like she's holding a grudge for our previous run-ins when she was with AVALANCHE or anything. She's a nice girl."

"Think what you what man, but she's trouble for me." Reno insisted.

"Tell you this much, we're Turks. Man up and quit being afraid of her." Rude gave his final opinion on the matter.

Tifa was surprised to have a knock on her door so late at night. Looking through the peephole, she was surprised to see it was Reno. "Can I help you?" she asked.

Reno took a mental deep breath before speaking. Rude was right, he needed to face his fear and prove that she couldn't steal his manhood. "I was just wondering if you're available to have sex."


	6. Chapter 6

"Are you **drunk**?" Tifa exclaimed indignantly, offended by his offer.

"No, why would you say that?" Reno asked, staring at her.

"Because you just asked me…" Tifa started to explain before she was interrupted.

"I just wanna know if you are up for sex, no strings attached. It's a Yes or No question." Reno said, leaning casually against her doorframe.

"How can you ask me that and still say you're not drunk?" Tifa demanded to know.

"Honey, if I was drunk, you'd know it." Reno flippantly replied.

* * *

 _Richard staggered out of the bar, feeling sick. He didn't understand why either, everyone else there seemed to be drinking more than him. And what he drank didn't taste all that good either, but he'd show everyone and be the biggest asshole he could be, and in his mind badass and asshole had become synonymous with each other, and badasses were always drinking in bars, according to what he saw on TV. Groaning in discomfort, he leaned back against the brick building to steady himself, wondering when the earth would stop moving enough so he could find his car._

 _"Do you need help, young man?" a female voice asked kindly. Richard moved his head to look at the much older woman who spoke, and that was a mistake. Suddenly he was bending over and vomiting all over her high heels. "Oh dear." she said and quickly stepped back. Taking a napkin out of her purse, she wiped her heels off the best she could._

 _"Sorry." Richard cried when he finally stopped._

 _"I'll finish cleaning up inside. Take care of yourself, young man." the woman said before hurrying inside._

 _"I guess you're feeling better." the older woman said a couple days later when Richard had recovered enough to try again at the bar, his stubbornness refusing to allow him to give up._

 _"Oh." he felt embarrassed when she spoke to him. "I'm sorry about the other night."_

 _"It happens. How come a fine young man like yourself was drinking alone anyway?" she asked._

 _"I wish I knew." he admitted unwittingly._

 _"What's your name, son?" she wanted to know, getting more curious about him._

 _"Reno." Richard replied, trying out his made-up name for the first time. Sure he had come up with it by accident, but he felt a certain pride about it, since it was linked to the first time he had sex, and he was hoping using that as his name would get him more sex._

 _The older woman pursed his lips, realizing that couldn't be his real name, but men were funny about things like that. "You can call me Ellie. That's my real name, Ellie Beasley." she told him, as her need to meddle and flirt with attractive men of any age took over, and this one stood out immediately to her when she had spotted him outside the bar. "So tell me, why's a hottie like you drinking alone? You need some pointers?"_

* * *

"No!" Tifa snapped. "I don't want to have sex with you."

"Why not?" he asked, wondering if she was seeing anybody and that's why she said no.

"Because no man worth having would bang on a stranger's door late at night and ask her for sex when she's got two young children in the house, that's why!" she exclaimed, about to slam the door on him, except he was still in the way.

"So it's not because you're still seeing that Cloud guy?" he asked.

"How would you know about…you!" Tifa stared at him, finally placing him. She should have figured it out earlier, she already knew Elena and Rude had been undercover Turks, and Reno was obviously one of them, but that short, shy, and awkward boy being the same person as the man before her was a bit much.

"Yeah, me. So is it because you're seeing him or you just have something against a little fun?" he persisted in knowing why she wasn't interested.

"It's because you clearly don't know anything about women!" Tifa shoved him out of her doorway and slammed it in his face, turning around to find Marlene and Denzel staring at her.

"Are you okay?" Marlene asked as Denzel fired his own question at her. "Who was that?"

"Yes, I'm fine, and that was just a confused man from my bar." she told them. "Now please go back to bed, just like I am." Tifa was confused herself. An older dangerous man who had posed as someone her own age years ago to betray her trust had knocked on her door in the middle of the night just to ask her for sex. What was the world coming to?

* * *

Reno was also confused as he entered his own place later that night, alone. He didn't understand why he wasn't glad that she had rejected him. That meant he didn't have to worry about ending up whipped by her like his other selves were. But she actually turned him down, and rudely too! Ellie Beasley had given him some pointers so many years ago, and her advice had helped him out considerably, and as he learned what he was doing, it got to the point where he never slept alone anymore if he didn't want to. Realizing he was starting to feel sorry for himself, he stood up out of his favorite chair in disgust. "Fuck this! I don't have to put up with rejection! I'll show her…I'll make her want me!"


	7. Chapter 7

As Tifa was enjoying a quick early lunch at home by herself while the kids were at school, the peace and quiet just what she needed to fortify herself for the crazy lunch rush about to take place at her bar downstairs. With Thanksgiving only three weeks away, she had a marked increase in customers, either those who were always lonelier during the holiday season and wanting to drown their sorrows, or those who just wanted a 'medicinal' break from all the preparations for the holidays. She was just about to open her door and head back downstairs when someone knocked. Thinking it was one of her barmaids, she opened the door to a young woman, but it wasn't a barmaid.

"Are you…Tifa Lockhart?" the bored young woman asked, turning the bouquet of flowers around to read the name of the card.

"Yes." Tifa replied.

"These are for you. Have a good day." she handed Tifa the flowers and left.

"Who would send me flowers?" Tifa mused as she hurried back to the living room to grab a vase to put them in. "They're beautiful!" Walking into the kitchen to put some water in the vase, she read the card.

 _Hey, no hard feelings about last night.  
You wanna cook me dinner? I'll be seeing you.  
Reno_

"What?!" Tifa was in disbelief and she almost dropped the flower-filled vase, not entirely by accident. He was the one who tried to barge in last night just to proposition her, and he's acting like she's the one with the problem, and she needs to slave in the kitchen for him. Jerk! "But at least the flowers are beautiful." she admitted, tossing the card in the trash.

* * *

"Man, is it a relief to have you back." Rude said as they entered Tifa's bar after work.

"Back?" Reno asked.

"Getting over whatever was bothering you about Tifa." Rude explained.

"Oh. Yeah." he replied. "Let's sit at the bar tonight." Reno headed up to it, Rude shrugging and joining him.

"What are you doing here?" Tifa asked, frowning when she saw him.

"Ordering two beers, that's what." Reno said a bit indifferently, before he remembered he was supposed to be getting her to want to jump into bed with him. "Please."

"What did you do?" Rude asked him unwillingly after Tifa almost rudely served them two beers before focusing on other customers.

"What do you mean?" Reno casually sipped his beer while watching her work.

"I know how women react to your shenanigans, that's what. And you said please. That only means one thing…you fucked up." Rude pointed out.

"Hey, I'm a Turk after all. Even if I fuck up, I still come out on top, right?" Reno smugly retorted.

* * *

 _"Uh-oh." Reno dropped his coat hanger and crowbar onto the ground as the two policemen approached him. "Um, officer…I can explain…the window was…er…already broken and I was just checking to make sure it was okay?"_

 _"Hands up where we can see him!" one of them ordered him._

 _"Please don't call my parents." he pleaded as he got searched before being put in the back of the patrol car._

 _"Son, you're 18. Parents aren't going to help you now." the other one said after checking the ID in his wallet._

 _While sitting in the bare room at the precinct, Reno couldn't help but think that car theft wasn't as easy as it sounded. He just wanted to get himself a reputation, and this was a non-violent way to do it. He wasn't a very good fighter, but he was really good at running away._

 _"You're lucky, my man." the older of the cops who arrested him said as he reentered the room. "The owner of that car doesn't want to press charges, if you'll just talk to him."_

 _"Okay?" Reno felt nervous, this sounded to good to be true as a professionally-dressed man entered and sat down across the table from him before gesturing for the cop to leave, who reluctantly did._

 _"You're either really gutsy or really stupid to try and steal my car." were the man's first words to Reno. "What's your name?"_

 _"What's yours?" Reno fired back, even though he felt more nervous than ever. The man was supremely confident in himself, and something about him also suggested he was a fighter._

 _The man smiled at his impudence. "Fair enough. You may call me Veld. I'm here to offer you a deal, Mr…"_

 _"Reno." he replied cautiously. "What's the deal?"_

 _"You've already got a new name picked out, that helps. Your background suggests you're far from stupid, even though your thievery skills beg to differ. So we'll offer you training to better yourself in exchange for an employment contract and a new identity." Veld explained._

 _"You're…offering me a job?" Reno asked in disbelief._

 _"And training. Plus a new identity. But I must warn you, the employment contract is unbreakable." Veld cautioned him._

 _"Why would you do that for me?" Reno wanted to know._

 _"I'm not doing it for you. The organization I represent needs qualified individuals, and we have unusual recruiting methods. More I will not say unless you agree to our terms." Veld said._

 _Reno was worried about the undertone to some of Veld's statements, but the rest of it sounded like adventure he had been looking for. "I'll do it!"_

* * *

Reno frowned as one of the barmaids served him his beer. He had been coming to the bar every day for a week and Tifa mostly just seemed to ignore him when he tried to talk to her. Maybe he should send her another gift…but what? Jewelry probably wouldn't work, she didn't seem to be interested in it, and he already tried flowers. Perfume wouldn't work either, some of that stuff was so strong it would ruin the flavor of any alcohol she was serving. That left…um…think, dammit! Reno mentally cursed at himself.

"Get the door, would you please, Denzel?" Tifa asked. "I'm almost done with dinner.

"Sure thing. " he said and closed his textbook, glad for an excuse to get away from homework. "Oh, wow! Marlene! Tifa! Come look!"

Wondering if Cloud had dropped in for a surprise visit just to say Hi, she hurriedly turned the stove off and rushed to the door, stopping when she saw Reno in the doorway and a little puppy running around excitedly in circles around the kids who were kneeling to play with him, and he was trying to lick their faces.

"I thought you guys might like a pet." Reno told her, wondering why she didn't seem that thrilled. Chicks loved puppies, didn't they?

"We…can't accept this." Tifa said firmly. She didn't know what Reno was up to, but she was sure she wanted no part of it.

"Oh, come on!" "Can't we keep him, please?" the children pleaded with her.

"I can't take him back." Reno explained. "I…uh…found him abandoned or something."

Tifa's eyes narrowed and she started to feel herself getting angry until the little puppy got too excited and ran over to Reno, lifting up his leg to relieve himself on the most familiar person there. "Good boy!" Tifa couldn't help laughing as Reno barely contained himself from starting to swear up a storm. "You can go clean yourself downstairs in the men's bathroom at the bar. We're just about to have dinner. And maybe the puppy can stay the weekend." she promised the kids as she heard Reno pound angrily down the stairs.

* * *

"This is Ellie, the hottest dam…oh, hello Reno. I haven't heard from you in ages. How have you been?" she inquired.

"I, uh…need your help." Reno forced the words out as he put his leg up on the sink to rinse himself off. Damned mutt…he spent 400 gil on that thing to impress Tifa, and this was the thanks he got?!

"I'm listening." Ellie said, and listen she did as Reno gave a short summary of his difficulties. "Where does she work?"

"At a bar called 7th Heaven. She owns it." he replied.

" _Ooooh_ , a self-made woman. Nice. Tell you what, I'll go there tomorrow and check her out. I need to see her for myself to help you better. I'll call you afterwards. Bye." Ellie hung up the phone and smiled smugly just as Reno had. "They always come back to me for help in the end." She got up from her chair and went to finish making her dinner, curious about what kind of woman could make dear little Reno so frustrated. Could it be time for him to settle down already? Ellie chuckled to herself…after their initial meeting, they had kept in touch over the years, and Reno seemed to be in a perpetual state of sowing his wild oats, but she knew it wouldn't last forever. One day he'd meet his match in a woman, and Ellie was hoping this Tifa would be it. Marriage wasn't as dulling as the poor boy thought it had to be. Her own Steven, bless his soul, they had a marriage that was just as exciting towards the end as it was at the beginning. Ellie chuckled again at the fond memories.


	8. Chapter 8

"Double scotch please." Ellie said as she sat down at the bar.

"Coming right up." Tifa genially replied, pouring the drink for her new customer. "I haven't seen you in here before."

"Nope." Ellie agreed. "Heard about this place so I decided to come check it out. My name's Ellie by the way."

"Is Reno going to come in today?" one of the barmaids asked Tifa, who had been just about to ask Ellie who recommended her bar.

"How would I know?" Tifa frowned. She felt like Reno was stalking her, and him not showing up yet was weird, but mostly welcome.

"Did you two have a fight?" another barmaid asked Tifa. "I could never imagine fighting with him. He's so gorgeous!"

Tifa sighed in frustration. "I'm not involved with him!"

"Who's this Reno?" Ellie asked innocently.

"He's this really hot guy who's been coming in every day and ogling Tifa the whole time." the first barmaid replied.

"And you're not interested?" Ellie asked Tifa.

"No, I'm not." she firmly replied, wondering why she was even talking about it, but it felt good to let it out. "He's…"

"Is he as good-looking as they say?" Ellie inquired.

"I suppose so." Tifa grudgingly admitted.

"But that's not enough for you?" Ellie took a sip of her scotch.

"No." Tifa said unequivocally. "And I don't like someone trying to buy my affection either, anymore than I like someone thinking I'm easy."

"So you are looking for a special someone, but no luck so far?" Ellie picked up on the undertones to Tifa's words.

"No." she replied with a tinge of sadness.

* * *

Reno walked into the diner and quickly spotted Ellie. Sitting across the small table from her, he looked expectantly at her as he gave the waitress his order. "Well?" he finally asked. Ellie still didn't say anything, she just reached over and smacked him upside the head. "Ow! What's that for?"

"You're an idiot, that's what." she told him. "Didn't I tell you all those years ago that you have to actually listen to women if you want to get anywhere with them?"

"So?" Reno gulped down the stale coffee he had ordered.

"You didn't even find out so much as her favorite color before jumping the gun, did you?" she pointed out.

"Uh…" Reno muttered.

"That's what I thought." Ellie said condescendingly. "Luckily for you, I don't think it's too late. But no more screwing up, you hear me?"

"Whatever. What's your advice?" he wanted to know.

"It's not advice, it's an order. Do exactly what I say, you hear me?" Ellie demanded.

* * *

Tifa stared blankly at the young couple who had burst into song in the middle of her bar. "Um, thank you." she managed to say. "Do I need to tip you?"

"No, that's all been taken care of. Please hire us though if you ever need a singing telegram." they told her before leaving.

"Oh you are so lucky!" her barmaid blurted out. "Reno's not only hot, he's so romantic and classy too! You're going to say yes, aren't you, boss?"

"I'll think about it." Tifa said. "We've got to focus on work now though." However, her mind was still on his invitation…did he really just offer to provide a gourmet catered Thanksgiving dinner for her and the kids? It was a sweet gesture, but he didn't seem like a family man to her, though she was impressed that he actually did something that wasn't about sex. And it was true that she really wouldn't be able to do much of a Thanksgiving dinner, not with working until mid-afternoon that day.

* * *

"That should be Reno." Tifa said, feeling nervous. She felt almost like it was a date, but it wasn't, she reminded herself as she went to open the door. "Please come in." she told him, surprised how…nice…he looked. He hadn't done much to change his appearance though, just buttoned up his shirt and tucked it in, but it made a difference.

"Thanks." Reno was noticing how different Tifa looked as well. She had always been attractive, but wearing a burgundy dress that complimented her eyes as well as wearing her hair up made her even more stunning. "The…um…caterers should be arriving soon with the food."

"How many pies are they going to bring?" Denzel asked, followed by Marlene's question; "Will they have extra stuffing?"

"I don't know, I've never used them before." Reno answered truthfully. "So…um…have you done your homework yet?" He felt horribly awkward trying to make small talk with two children, and wished the caterers would hurry up and get here.

"We're here!" the grandmotherly woman said when Reno gratefully opened the door, holding a steaming casserole dish. "Stitchin' Catering at your service! Just show us to the kitchen and dining room!" she said merrily as she entered the apartment followed by four other women, all carrying food.

"This way." Tifa said as she led the way, surprised that gourmet caterers were not younger snobby chef types. "Stitchin' Caterers? That's an unusual name."

"Well, we're actually the Stitchin' Bitches Caterers." the first woman whispered to her. "But it's not really appropriate for jobs for younger clientele, so we just put a little Scottish Terrier on our logo after Stitchin'."

* * *

Ellie stayed with the van so Tifa wouldn't recognize her and blow her cover, and handed out the rest of the food for the other women to bring up. She hoped Reno was using his brain and not spoiling this. She might have to remind him he wasn't too old for a spanking if he did. Tifa had some rough edges, but she was a class act, and a perfect match for Reno, they just both needed to get with the program.

* * *

"This looks lovely." Tifa said when her dining table was full of the Thanksgiving dinner and the caterers said they'd be back in two hours to clean up.

"Yeah, let's dig in." Reno was eager to try out all the food and started filling his plate.

" **No**." Tifa reverted to the mom voice she used on the children when they were about to misbehave. "We have a tradition here, we each say one thing we're thankful for first. Then we can eat. Why don't you go first since you're our guest?" she smiled mischievously at him.

"Um…okay." Reno tried to think of something to say. "I'm thankful…" he paused for a moment, since he had been about to say he was thankful this evening was going to be over soon. "I'm thankful for all this food." he finished lamely.

"I'm thankful for our new puppy." Marlene said with a big smile.

"I'm thankful I don't have any homework for a week." Denzel sighed with relief.

"And I'm thankful that we get to have a nice dinner provided by our new guest." Tifa concluded. "Now we can all eat.

"Okay, that's enough TV for now, you two. Bedtime!" Tifa announced, and Denzel groaned in protest.

"Thanks for a wonderful dinner, Mr. Reno." Marlene said, stopping by the recliner he was sitting in, impulsively hugging him and kissing his cheek before going to her room, as Reno sat there looking a bit stunned while his cheeks reddened.

"Yeah, I just wish Cloud could have been here too." Denzel admitted as he went to his own room.

"Well, I guess I should be going to." Reno stood up before noticing the crestfallen expression on Tifa's face. "Hey, are you okay?"

"I'm all alone." she confessed. "They keep thinking Cloud's going to come back."

"And he's not?" Reno asked, remembering what Ellie said about listening.

"You mean you really don't know?" she looked at him in surprise.

"Know what?" Reno returned her look as he sat down next to her on the couch.

"He and Tseng have been having the time of their lives with each other." she told him. "All I've got is work and the kids."

"Cloud and Tseng?" Reno couldn't believe it…what would Elena think?

Tifa laughed bitterly. "You guys are too used to keeping secrets, you even keep them from each other, don't you?"

Not sure what he should say to that, and feeling a bit off his game after such a family holiday meal, he leaned over and kissed her to get things back on familiar territory.


	9. Chapter 9

Tifa would have pulled back and slapped Reno when he had the nerve to kiss her, but something warm went through her as their lips touched, and she felt herself responding to him. Before she knew it, he was carrying her to her bedroom as her body was overcome with eager anticipation .

Waking up the next morning, Reno was disoriented for a moment as he woke up in a room that reminded him of his parents, until he remembered the events of the night before, and he turned over to see Tifa waking up as well. Her stretching and yawning simultaneously was somehow charming to him as their eyes met and they both slightly blushed as they remembered the events of their night together. Tifa remembered how she learned that whatever else he was, his reputation as a lover was well-earned. He had taken his time with her and made her feel special, which she hadn't felt in a long time. Reno remembered how passionate she had been, but not just for sex, even though she hadn't been satisfied with just one time and had urged him on twice more. She had been hungry for…him?

"Good morning." Tifa said almost shyly, wondering if she should offer to make him breakfast.

"Uh, yeah." he replied. He felt like he was in unfamiliar territory himself. Something had been different last night, but he couldn't place it yet. "Got anything to eat?" Food was always something he understood.

"I think we still have some muffins, and if not, we've got cereal." she informed him, her dilemma about how to proceed over. "What time is it?" she asked before looking at the clock. "Oh, I've got to get dressed!" she exclaimed. "It's almost time to open the bar. Thank goodness Marlene and Denzel have today off school." Getting out of bed, she quickly put her robe on and headed to her bathroom. The simple domesticity of the situation brought Reno to his 'senses', or so he thought. "Reno, did you find any muf-" Tifa's question came to abrupt end as she walked out of her bathroom and found a hastily scribbled note on her bed.

 _Thanks for last night, it was great._

 _Glad you liked the food._

 _Have a nice life, hope you find someone._

 _Reno_

Angry tears sprang to Tifa's eyes and she crumpled up the note in her fist before throwing it in the trash. That…that… **asshole**! She should have known better…

Reno frowned as he entered his own apartment a short while later, trying to figure out why he didn't feel happier about escaping Tifa with his manhood intact…he just felt like a coward. _What had gone wrong_? he wondered. He had gotten what he wanted, hadn't he? After all, Ellie might have taught him how attract women, but not what to do once he got 'em, he learned that elsewhere.

" _These are the new recruits?" Scarlet asked Veld, when she dropped by to go over some details of a mission she needed accomplished for her next project._

" _Yes." he replied mildly, waiting for her usual reaction as she watched them in the training room._

" _He looks promising." Scarlet said, indicating Reno. "Send him to my office when he's done here, but make sure he showers first."_

" _Of course." Veld could have easily refused her since he didn't answer to her, but her way with the 'new blood' had the beneficial aspect of bluntly reinforcing the cold professionalism that Turks must aspire to._

" _Care for a drink?" Scarlet asked Reno, who was flattered and nervous to be called to the office of the head of Weapons Development, who was one of more attractive women he had seen so far at Shinra._

" _Are we allowed to drink while on duty?" he wondered._

" _Never mind." she almost snapped at him. "Normally your department and mine don't mingle all that much, but I saw you training today, and you obviously need some help."_

 _Reno frowned. "I'm getting better!"_

" _Come to this address and I'll help you get even better. You could do with a customized weapon." Scarlet wrote something down on a piece of paper and handed it to him. "But no one else is know about this, understand?"_

" _Yes, ma'am!" Reno brightened at the thought of a special weapon just for him._

Reno remembered how green he had been when Scarlet took him 'under her wing' and taught him things that had nothing to do with improving his fighting skills. He felt embarrassed that he had thought she might actually have liked him.

"We didn't make love, we had sex, move on." had been Scarlet's words to him when he found her with another young Turk and found out all about her ways. At least she had kept her word and had made him a customized weapon, his telescoping Electro-Rod, and he was never sure if its features were meant to be a compliment or an insult. He didn't care though, he just became determined to become a master in its use to show them all. And he never forgot Scarlet's words, making sure all his future relations with women were just sex…until now, realizing that was his mistake. He and Tifa had actually made love, and it had been...good. But he already left her, too late to go back now, he thought to himself.

Ellie entered the bar, curious about how Tifa would be acting, to see if her machinations had paid off. "Double scotch, please." she ordered as she sat down on the bar stool.

"Oh, hello Ellie. Just a moment." Tifa forced a smile her way as she rung up another customer's bill. When the burly man tried to protest that he was being overcharged, Tifa held up one clenched fist and the man quickly paid his bill and left.

"Damn you, Reno!" Ellie muttered darkly, wishing she could give that jackass the spanking of his life.

"It's Christmas!" Tifa snapped into the phone.

"Please, Tifa, it really is an important delivery, and there isn't anyone else I trust to do it!" Cloud pleaded with his former girlfriend. "You can even keep the delivery fee!"

"Fine!" Tifa reluctantly agreed, thinking she could use the extra money to get some special last minute gifts for Marlene and Denzel.

"Thanks, you're a lifesaver!" Cloud said. "I'll be at the bar in 15 minutes with the package."

"You better hurry back!" Tseng told him once Cloud had hung up, taking another sip from his glass of spiked eggnog

"Why didn't you want me delivering the package anyway? What's so special about it?" Cloud said as he hurriedly got dressed.

"It's of relative importance to Tifa that she deliver it." Tseng chuckled at his play on words. "And 'sides, you're supposed to be all mine today, lover boy!"

"As you say." Cloud shook his head at how easily Tseng got tipsy sometimes. He was so strict on duty, which was most of the time…this was the first day off the man had had in nearly two years. "I won't be gone long."

"You can sit on Santa's lap when you get back!" Tseng put on the Santa hat and sat down on their oversized couch invitingly.

Tifa shivered as she walked up to the kind of cozy house she'd like someday, holding the package carefully. It was starting to snow heavily, and she wanted to hurry up and get back to Marlene and Denzel so they could all enjoy a white Christmas together.

The doorbell rang, and Reno shot up out of his chair. "I'll answer it!" he volunteered, grateful to get away from his parents for five seconds. He was supposed to be with Rude at Costa Del Sol for the holidays, but he still felt guilty about Tifa, so he had reluctantly agreed to spend Christmas with his parents, it was easier than apologizing to her, made them feel better, and reminded him why he was so glad he had escaped suburbia. "Tifa!" he blurted out in almost a shriek, and the one-time lovers stared at each other as the snow continued to fall.


	10. Chapter 10

"Richard, who is it, dear?" his mother called out. When he didn't answer right away, both parents came to the door as well, and were surprised to see a pretty girl standing on the porch with a package while she and their son just stared at each other. "It's cold out there, please come in." his mother said to Tifa, who was too stunned to refuse…the man who apparently worshipped his bad boy image above all else was spending the holidays with an older couple and wearing a hideous Christmas sweater and fake plushie antlers on his head?

"Are you…Jillian and Patrick Sinclair?" Tifa asked them as she shivered to be out of the cold, reading the name on the package again.

"Yes, that's us." Patrick replied as he took the package she held out to him. "Richard, take the young woman's coat please."

"Oh no, I have to get back home." Tifa said as she looked around at the homey scene. Decorations everywhere, a fire roaring in the fireplace, Christmas music playing…and why were they calling him Richard?

"Nonsense." Jillian said. "The storm's getting worse, it won't be safe to go anywhere. Would you like some eggnog?" she offered, wanting to find out more about this girl that her son was so surprised to see. "Richard, your father already asked you to take the young lady's coat, didn't he?"

"Yes, mom." Reno mumbled and held out his hand towards Tifa. "You wanna give me that?"

"Richard! We taught you better manners than that." Jillian frowned. "Do you still think you're too big for a spanking?"

"Yes, mom." Reno repeated and slunk closer to Tifa to help her take her coat off.

"Richard?" Tifa asked him quietly. "These are your parents?"

"Yeah, I was raised by the Cleavers, what of it?" he replied sulkily. "And don't you dare call me that…I'm Reno!"

Just then Patrick returned with a glass of eggnog and gestured for Tifa to take a place by the fire. Her desire to return home was supplanted by the welcome chance to make Reno squirm, since he obviously didn't want her here, and to satisfy her hidden curiosity about him. "When do you think the storm will end?" she asked his parents.

"Oh, not any time soon. And dinner will be ready in a little bit, why don't you eat with us?" Jillian suggested.

Tifa smiled warmly as she saw the dark look on Reno's face. "I wouldn't want to impose, but since I guess I'm stranded here until the storm is over I might as well. Let me just call home and tell them I won't be back for a while." She went over to where her winter coat was hanging up and dug through the pocket looking for her phone. "Do you have a landline phone I could use? I don't seem to have any cell phone service out here."

"Of course, it's right there." Patrick pointed to an old rotary phone installed on the wall.

"Thank you." Tifa went over and had to remember how to use the antique, but got through to Barret's cell. "Hi, um, I'm getting snowed in here at my delivery address, I won't be home til the storm's over I guess."

"Are you okay there?" was his first concern.

"Yes, I'm fine, they're nice people who invited me to share their Christmas dinner with them. Well, actually I'm more than fine now…I'll tell you why later. You'll love it as much as I am." Tifa's smile was beyond smug.

"Okay." Barret was wondering what she could possibly be talking about, but he had another concern now. "How am I supposed to serve Marlene and Denzel dinner? That puppy is too hyper. And this Santa suit itches!"

"Everything's already in the oven, and the kids can take of Turkey." Tifa had Marlene name the puppy, and she had settled on one that would be a reminder of who gave them him, and that he was kind of a holiday puppy. "They also know how to put everything on the table. Just tell them they can't open their presents til after dinner, and I want you to record everything so I can watch it when I get back." Tifa told him, ignoring his complaint about the Santa suit. "Hold the phone out where they can hear it."

"Okay." Barret's voice was quieter but she could still hear it.

"Merry Christmas you two and behave yourselves with Santa!" Tifa loudly said into the phone before hanging up.

"You have children?" Patrick asked casually, as they all couldn't help overhear her when she raised her voice.

"Oh, sort of. I adopted them." Tifa explained. "I don't have any of my own yet."

"Maybe that's about to change." Jillian said, having spotted something on the floor near the coats and went to pick it up. "Is this yours?"

"Uh…" Tifa paled as she recognized the pregnancy test she had picked up from the drugstore on her way here.


	11. Chapter 11

Reno's parents were so busy staring at Tifa that they didn't notice him looking rather sick. He searched his recollection of their night together…he used a condom, didn't he? And wouldn't she have been on the pill or something? He groaned and sunk his head into his hands…the nice outfit he wore to her place was one he had just bought, and he never thought they'd have sex so didn't bother stashing some protection in it. And he was pretty sure as he could be that she hadn't been with anyone else for a looooong time. Grabbing his own cell phone out of his jeans pocket, he sent a message to Rude: _GET ME OUT OF HERE_!, knowing it would go through. The Turks had their own customized phones and a provider that always guaranteed them a signal.

"I…um…" Tifa couldn't think of a proper excuse fast enough.

"Oh, I'm sorry honey, that was rude of me, it's really none of my business." Jillian apologized to Tifa, then glanced over at her distraught son. "I hope."

"Mother, we need to set another place for…oh we never even got your name yet, Miss…" Patrick realized their goof with an apologetic smile.

"It's Tifa." she replied.

"You're right, we do need to set another place. Tifa, would you mind helping me in the kitchen while the men take care of that?" Jillian leaned over to whisper in her ear as she returned the pregnancy test. "I think the men want to talk in private." she explained, though she wanted to talk to the young woman in private too.

"I'd like that." Tifa agreed when she saw Reno trying to gesture her to refuse.

"Thank you, dear." Jillian said when they reached the kitchen. "I really did need help, I love my husband and son dearly, but they're useless in the kitchen. Let's start with checking the mashed potatoes and getting the pies in the oven. Do you know Richard well?"

"Not really." Tifa replied as she took care of the pies, not realizing she was being expertly questioned by a curious and concerned mother. "I've only met him a few times." Realizing this was a perfect opportunity to satisfy her own curiosity, she went into interrogator mode herself. "Does he live here with you?"

"Oh no, he likes to think he's such a big boy with his own fancy-schmancy apartment he won't let us visit." Jillian smiled tolerantly as she checked to see if the potatoes were soft enough yet. "But if I want him home, I just have to call and tell him I'm baking pies, or even worse, my special triple fudge cake. He'll be here before I can even hang up the phone…that boy has the appetite of a behemoth. So do you deliver packages for a living?"

"Oh no, I was doing that as a special favor to an old friend." Tifa admitted. "I own my own bar."

"How nice." Jillian said noncommittally. She didn't approve of drinking, but to go out on Christmas day when it's storming so bad just to help out an old friend, that was admirable.

"What does he do for a living?" Tifa asked casually as if she was just making small talk.

"Oh, some corporate job. He likes to be all mysterious about it and only refers to himself as a company man." Jillian answered with a smile. "I'm surprised he just doesn't tell us something silly like he's a secret agent."

"Son, did you get this Tifa girl in trouble?" Patrick asked, going for the blunt approach.

"How should I know? I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving." he confessed rather testily.

"If she is, what are you going to do about it?" Patrick wanted to know. "You know how important it is to honor your obligations."

Reno felt incredibly sulky and pouty as his father launched into another one of his lectures, relieved to hear his mother's voice calling out to them. "Dinner's ready!" she announced.


	12. Chapter 12

"Everything looks wonderful." Tifa said politely when they all sat down at the table after his parents said a grace blessing over the food. "The decorations too."

"Thank you, dear." Jillian replied. "Richard, why aren't you sitting next to her?"

"This is where I usually sit." Reno said indifferently.

"Richard, please sit next to her." Patrick told his son. "She's your friend, after all."

"No, she's not." he muttered sullenly under his breath as he changed seats.

"Don't they look cute together, Mother?" Patrick asked.

"I guess they do, Daddy." Jillian felt almost as sullen as her son…as far as she was concerned, he was still her baby, but now here was, maybe having one of his own already. "So how did you end up adopting two children when you had no experience raising them?" she asked Tifa.

"Well, they're both orphans. The older boy, Denzel, he was living on the streets when my friend found him, and I had already adopted Marlene at that point. The best friend of her father was raising her, but his job required him to be gone all the time, so I took her in. I used to work with him."

"I see." Jillian wondered about all these men Tifa seemed to know. Was she one of those flighty types who couldn't settle down with just one man?

"So how did you two meet?" Patrick asked Reno and Tifa both.

"Work." Reno replied first, while Tifa had been about to answer with school, but she realized it was work on his end.

"I thought you didn't know what he did for a living, Tifa, so you must have met at the bar you own?" Jillian's first impression of her continued to be a mixed bag. Tifa obviously had a big heart if she cared about her friends so much and took in two orphaned children, but getting involved with the men who patronize her bar?

"I didn't want to." Reno said almost in a whining voice. "I only went there cause my friend loved the place."

"So you're not turning into a drinker?" Jillian questioned her son.

"I'm all grown up, mom." he replied.

"Now Mother, let's not judge them." Patrick said. "After all, you and I met at…"

"Yes, well…the food's going to get cold if we don't hurry up and eat." Jillian hurriedly interrupted him so he wouldn't finish his statement.

"Of course." Patrick took the hint. "You want the drumsticks as usual, Richard?"

"Yeah, dad." Reno held out his plate, then noticed his parents frowning. "Please."

"There you go, son." Patrick put both of them on the plate. "I always felt he was a leg man." he said, winking at Tifa.

"I think he's a breast man now." Jillian muttered snidely under her breath.

Tifa was aware his mother was analyzing her under the microscope, but she really couldn't blame her since she appeared on their doorstep out of the blue and possibly pregnant by their son. She thought what she would do if in a couple years, a girl she didn't know knocked on the door demanding child support from Denzel, and admired Jillian's restraint. At least they did seem like such nice people, inviting her in like they did. It amazed her that Reno was their son.

"Where do your parents live?" Patrick asked her as he put some of the turkey on her plate.

"They don't." Tifa said with only a shadow of a frown. "I've been an orphan for a long time."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear." Jillian said genuinely, her view of Tifa improving with that admission. It made sense now that she'd be lonely enough to be overly friendly with the men she met. Richard had a good job and might be the steadying influence she needed, if she was pregnant and they got married that is. "So how long have you known each other?"

"We first met years ago, but only recently ran into each other again." Tifa explained.

"Forgive us if we seem too nosy." Patrick said. "It's just that we've never met any of Richard's lady friends before."

"Yes, you used to be so worried that he might be gay." Jillian reminded her husband.

"I never said that!" Patrick protested. "I just said that he never seemed comfortable around girls."

"Are you all right, dearie?" Jillian asked her son when he groaned. "You don't seem that hungry. Your plate is usually spotless by now."

"I'm fine, mom." he replied. Like he would admit they were humiliating him and he was worried that his plan might have backfired and taken him with it. If Tifa was pregnant, she had stolen his manhood after all…


	13. Chapter 13

A sudden noise interrupted the festive dinner everyone but Reno was enjoying. His parents and Tifa were just making small talk now, with occasional personal bits of information being exchanged. "Oh, that's for me!" he said, realizing it was his phone. "I'll be right back." he said, and got up and hurried to the living room before his parents could object. "Rude, I'm so glad it's you…you've got to help me!"

"Hey buddy, sorry you're snowed in." Rude said, trying to hear his partner over the party music. "You're missing the biggest beach party ever!"

"If you're sorry, get me out of here!" Reno exclaimed desperately.

"What's wrong?" Rude asked.

"Tifa's here with us, and…and…she might be pregnant!" he blurted out.

"Wow, congratulations, you're a lucky man!" Rude said as he realized he was being eyed from across the bar. "I gotta go, the women here are so friendly…"

"No, don't hang up on me!" Reno pleaded as his partner did just that. A few moments later, his phone beeped with a picture message. Opening it, he frowned to see Rude with two very attractive scantily-clad women at an open-air bar at the beach. His caption read _Hey man, look at me…you've got Tifa and maybe Junior on the way, so I got two babes as well to make us even!_

"You bastard!" Reno snapped, then looked up from his phone to see his parents and Tifa standing in the living room doorway.

"Where did you learn such rude language?" Jillian demanded to know. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself!"

"I guess…dinner's over?" he said lamely.

"Yes, it's time for the family photo." Patrick said, frowning at his son. "I have a thought, why don't we do two this year, one with us and then one with Tifa?" Reno and Tifa really didn't think that would be appropriate, but before they knew it, they were squished between his parents as the timer on the camera counted down. Reno was bullied into hugging Tifa, and she felt a warm flush to have his body firm against hers again. The camera flashed, catching the soft smile on her lips, while Reno's expression resembled that of a deer caught in the headlights, and not just because of the fake antlers on his head…he unexpectedly felt something too.

Releasing her quickly as he told himself again that she was just after his manhood, he looked at his parents. "Can we open presents now?"

"Oh, that's still your priority, isn't it, my little Dickie?" his mother said affectionately. "We couldn't put the presents under the tree until Christmas morning because he was such a sneaky little devil and liked to come out in the middle of the night once they were all there and go to town." she told Tifa.

"If it's mine, I got a right to it." Reno pouted, then glared at Tifa when she mouthed "Dickie?" to him with a mischievous sparkle in her eyes.

"Why don't we open the package Tifa brought first?" Patrick suggested. "I'm curious about it."

"So am I, Daddy." Jillian admitted. "Alright, we'll do that one first."

Reno was only one who wasn't eager to see what it was, having recognized Tseng's handwriting when Tifa first showed up…bad enough he had to endure Christmas with his parents who still thought of him as their 'little Dickie', but now he was being hounded by his boss and the woman he might have knocked up as well…

"Well, that's odd." Patrick said as he unwrapped the package and opened the box. "It's addressed to us, but…there's presents for all of us in here, even one for Tifa."

"For me? What in the world is Cloud up to?" Tifa wondered as she was handed her present.

"Cloud?" Jillian asked.

"He's the friend who wanted me to deliver this package." she explained. "He insisted it was really important."

"You two must be really close." Jillian continued to pry.

"Oh, not like that. He's been seeing someone else for years." Tifa explained.

"And you're not?" Jillian detected a note of wistfulness in Tifa's reply.

"With my own business and two kids to raise, I don't have time for anything else." Tifa said, and Jillian nodded understandingly, relieved to know that all of Tifa's male friends must actually just be friends…except for her son.

"Why don't you open yours first, son?" Patrick asked him.

"Fine." Ripping off the paper with his usual sloppy abandon, he stared in disbelief at what he was seeing…four cruise tickets, one for each of them, with the departure date February 12th, lasting seven days with the Sweethearts Cruise Line, and all the other necessary documentation was also included. "Is this a joke?"

"He always forgets to read the card first." Patrick smiled at Tifa. "What does it say, Richard?"

Reno reluctantly took the card out of the envelope and opened it, wondering why it smelled like eggnog. His disbelief grew as he read Tseng's message. _It's time the Turks started promoting a more family-friendly image. Get yourself married. That's an order. Oh and Merry Christmas!_

"What's wrong?" Patrick asked Reno. "You don't look well."

"Oh...um…my boss really needs to work on his sense of humour." Reno said the first thing he could think of.

"Your boss?" Tifa's voice was sharp. "He's in on it too?"

"What's going on here?" Jillian wanted to know.

"My boss and her ex-boyfriend have been seeing each other." Reno explained, no happier than Tifa was, but he was relieved she didn't seem to be in on it. Wondering for a moment why that mattered to him, he shrugged it off by asking her the all important question: "What'd Santa bring you?".

" _What To Expect When You're Expecting_." Tifa read the title of the book in shock. "How…I don't…I might not even be pregnant!" she exclaimed.

"Then let's find out." Patrick and Jillian said together, wanting to know if this nice young woman was going to be part of the family or not.


	14. Chapter 14

As they all waited for the test results, everyone was lost in their own thoughts. Jillian wondered how her son would cope with a permanent relationship with Tifa. If that's what they decided to do… _if_ she was pregnant that is. Raising one child is a life-altering experience, but Tifa already had two adopted children. Her poor Dickie would probably end up feeling terribly neglected, because he always needed such special attention, she thought with maternal fondness.

Reno felt ill…he was going to lose his manhood no matter what he did…even if Tifa wasn't pregnant, his parents knew her, and had already started telling her things that he'd face Sephiroth himself to keep hidden. And Tseng had ordered him to marry while giving him and Tifa romantic cruise tickets…and his parents! This was some kind of bizarre nightmare, he told himself.

Patrick was concerned that he might be going to become a grandfather. He didn't feel that old yet, but…he tried to have more positive thoughts, like it was a guarantee that two attractive people like his son and Tifa would have beautiful babies at least. But was his son ready to settle down? He was always so awkward that they worried he would end up a loner, until the end of his high school days when he started feeling the need to prove himself a man without knowing what that really meant.

Tifa wasn't feeling too good herself, and she had turned a little pale. This was the most unreal situation she had ever been in…her ex-boyfriend and his lover, who was the boss of the last man she had sex with, had set her up to end up on the doorstep of the parents of the man who might have gotten her pregnant…and on Christmas. And his parents were surprisingly nice and ordinary people who were trying to be open-minded and welcome her with open arms, and Tifa liked them. But she didn't like how they seemed to have already tied the knot between herself and Reno…or Richard, she clarified. Or what was it her mother affectionately called him? Dickie? Tifa barely smothered a giggle in time. What else didn't she know about the maybe father of her maybe baby?

"Is it time to check the da…rned thing yet?" Reno finally blurted out, changing his language so his parents wouldn't complain, but he couldn't stand the suspense anymore.

"I'm sorry, I thought all pregnancy tests were instant." Tifa apologized again to try and ease her nervousness.

"It's nothing to apologize for. Why don't I go check?" Patrick volunteered. "How do I tell whether it's positive or negative?"

"Positive is a plus sign, negative is a minus sign." Jillian replied, with Reno giving his answer right behind hers. "Two lines is positive, one's negative."

"And how do you know that?" his mother demanded, and Reno sheepishly looked down at the carpet and shut up.

"Okay." Patrick headed into the bathroom. "We're…going to be grandparents!" he shouted, and pandemonium broke out in the living room.

"Oh, thank you for such a wonderful Christmas gift!" Jillian squealed and hugged Tifa. Patrick hurrying back into the room to join her. "Wait…I'm going to be a grandmother?!"

Reno tried to get as far away as possible. Unfortunately, he tripped over Tseng's package, and the gift for his parents fell out of the gift bag it was in. "What the…" he started to say before remembering where he was.

"Well, I'll be…will you look at that, Richard, it's your Blanky!" Jillian exclaimed, picking up the small blue blanket. "Didn't we lose this when you were ten? How did it come back here after all this time?"

"I don't know." Reno said sourly, inwardly fuming at what he knew was coming next, and sure enough...

"This was little Dickie's security blanket." Jillian told Tifa.

"And he'd throw such a tantrum if you tried to make him take a nap without it." Patrick added, smiling. "Why don't you go get the family albums, Mother? Tifa is part of it now, and it might help her to know what she can expect."

"But then we'd miss watching _It's A Wonderf_ …oh, we've seen it enough, you're right, Daddy, this is more important." Jillian said and hurried to get her son's baby album to start with.


	15. Chapter 15

"Oh my, look at this…you had _such_ a cute bottom!" Tifa exclaimed to Reno as she looked at the baby album of him, open to a page full of pictures of his diapers being changed.

"All Sinclair men do." Jillian said with a mischievous smile on her face. "Isn't that right, Daddy?"

"Men don't have cute bottoms, we have _handsome_ ones, Mother." Patrick replied with mock arrogance.

"Yeah, we're a bunch of great asses." Reno muttered darkly to himself. He was sitting on the couch with his mother and Tifa, but he had scooted himself as far away from them as he could get, folding his arms over his chest and pouting. There was really nothing he could do to avoid his entire childhood being exposed to Tifa, the damage had already been done once she met his parents…and now they were going to be parents! Reno had prayed the pregnancy test would be negative, but he should have known better…Tifa had always been after his manhood, now she finally had it… **why** hadn't he just left it alone when she first refused sex with him? He had let himself be played! "I don't have to take this!" he suddenly exclaimed, springing up and bolting for the front door. Opening it, he was confronted with deep snow drifts, already as tall as his knees and more was still coming down hard. "Are you kidding me?"

"Sweetie, why don't you have some cocoa and calm down?" Jillian asked him, then leaned conspiratorially towards Tifa. "It's a pity I can't do what used to work so well, rub his widdle round belly while singing the Three Little Pigs nursery rhyme to him. A lot of times it would actually put him right to sleep."

"Richard, since they're busy and they're the ones who actually prepared the meal, why don't you help me clear the table?" Patrick asked, wanting to finish the private conversation with his son."

"Fine." Reno agreed with ill grace, just glad of an excuse to get away from his mother and Tifa, since he was obviously just as stuck here as Tifa was.

"How do you feel about Tifa being pregnant?" Patrick asked Reno.

"She finally got my manhood." he complained.

"What are you talking about, son?" Patrick collected all the silverware from the table.

"Tifa Lockhart was born to steal my manhood and try and get me to end up whipped." Reno started whining.

"Son, being a father will only add to your manhood, not take it away. And there's nothing wrong with being whipped." An odd smile lit up his father's face. "Your mother is an expert…she knows how I like to be hurt."

Reno nearly dropped the plates over his father's confession…he always knew there had to be some secret to how they kept such a happy marriage, but…why did he have to know what it was? Was there **never** going to be an end to this holiday nightmare? And Rude was just partying and ignoring his partner's pain…an idea suddenly occurred to him on how to let his partner share in his holiday 'joy'.

Reno excused himself to the bathroom and took out his phone, dialing Rude's number with a malicious grin on his face as he entered the code to activate his partner's speaker phone feature.

"Hey buddy, what's going on?" Rude was surprised Reno had called back, and a little annoyed.

"Please come back home, Daddy!" Reno blurted out loudly in a childlike voice, and the speaker amplified the sound to make it audible up to five feet away. "You promised you'd be home for Christmas this time!"

"What the hell are you playing at?" Rude demanded.

"I'm so sorry he called you, dear." Reno now switched to a feminine voice. "You've been such a good husband and father, working on Christmas to provide for us, it's just that we miss you. The holiday just isn't the same without you. Please call soon." Reno hung up, his smile widening.

Rude stared at the phone in confusion, then realized the two friendly ladies he had met here at the beach bar were favoring him with very unfriendly expressions on their faces now.

"You have a wife and child?" the blonde asked angrily, followed by the brunette's furious question. "What kind of a man swears at his own son just for wanting him to keep his promise at being home on Christmas?"

"Uh…" Rude realized he was in deep trouble.


	16. Chapter 16

"Okay, and these are from his junior high school graduation." Jillian was saying to Tifa when Patrick and Reno returned to the living room after clearing the table. Reno groaned and reluctantly took his seat on the couch again. They were up to his teenage years apparently.

"You had braces…Richard?" Tifa asked him, unable to believe such a sweet-looking boy could grow up into such a naughty one.

"Yeah, I did." Reno felt a twinge of gratitude for her not exposing his new identity momentarily override his sulking fit for his old identity being revealed. He saw his old blue blanket on the floor still, and using his long legs, he dragged it to him, then picked it up and threw it over his head. He may be stuck here, but he had a good imagination and could just pretend he was somewhere else.

"Our boy was always wanting to be the center of attention, wasn't he, Mother?" The traditional Sinclair smirk appeared on Patrick's face as he watched his son's antics.

"Oh yes, he was." Jillian agreed. "We still would have spoiled him no matter what though. I'm just surprised that…now where is it?"

"What are you looking for, Mother?" Patrick asked.

"Maybe it's in his yearbook." she answered.

Reno finally couldn't take it anymore, his imagination wasn't working with his parents and Tifa constantly talking, he was forced to endure this nightmare. Nightmare! Maybe that's what was really going on here, he was dreaming, and if he wanted to wake up…he shot up out of the couch, tore off the blanket, and ran headfirst into the wall.

"It worked!" Reno exclaimed when he opened his eyes and was staring at a ceiling and it was quiet at first, then he realized his surroundings, he was in his childhood room, lying on his bed.

"Oh, good, you're awake finally!" Jillian entered the room carrying a tray with his favorite breakfast and a cup of coffee on it.

"Mom?" he asked, his disappointment fading as he looked at his pancake sandwich, two pancakes with a nice thick ham slice in between them.

"Yes, and your silly little stunt last night put you right out. Tifa and your father carried you up here." Jillian explained. "She was finally able to get home a couple hours ago."

Reno frowned…he was glad Tifa was gone, but…she was his room! He looked at his Mickey Mouse clock on his nightstand next to his Rubik's Cube, all his scholastic achievements on the wall, along with his posters of boy bands and Star Wars. Idly he wondered if his D&D game was still in its hiding spot. "I'll leave after breakfast." he announced as he took his knife and fork to start eating.

"Wait a moment." Jillian took the maple syrup bottle and made a smiley face on the top pancake. "There's for my silly boy. Oh, can you come home for New Year's?"

"Sure." Reno mumbled without thinking, his mouth half full of pancake and ham, and his mother smiled and left.

"He said he'll come for New Year's." Jillian told Patrick when she got back downstairs to the kitchen.

"You didn't tell him, did you?" Patrick asked.

"Of course not!" Jillian exclaimed. Like she'd tell her son Tifa had accepted the invitation as well…he might be a wonderful boy, but men had to be handled carefully when it came to domesticating them. Some of them were more skittish than others, and he didn't have that much experience with women, so she was making sure Tifa knew exactly what her son was like before they did the right thing.

"You're home! You're home!" Marlene and Denzel ran with open arms towards Tifa.

"Yes I am!" Tifa gratefully told them. "How was your Christmas? Did Santa give you everything you wanted?"

"He did now that you're back!" Marlene smiled and hugged her tighter.

Tifa managed to smile back, ignoring Barret's quizzical expression. There'd be plenty of time to talk later…and how was she going to tell everyone she was pregnant with Reno's child? She barely had time to process any of this before his parents dived in with both feet, taking her with them as she was shown Reno's entire childhood. They were nice people, but this…it was just going too fast! She'd have to explain to them at New Year's, confident Reno wouldn't be there, he would no doubt be trying to score with all the eligible women wanting to start the next year off in style…how did he learn how to do that? Tifa wondered, thinking of his prom picture, he couldn't get a date so he had to take his cousin, and he was dressed like PeeWee Herman! Awkward childhoods were no fun.

"Um, there's leftovers for breakfast." Barret said. "I don't know where they put the stuff away though."

:"I'm fine." she pasted a smile on her face, the thought of food suddenly making her queasy, which is exactly what made her worry she could be pregnant in the first place. New Year's would be soon enough to deal with her situation, right now she had to focus on cleaning house, noticing that wrapping paper and bows were everywhere.


	17. Chapter 17

"Before you two leave to ring in the new year at Cloud's, I have another surprise for you." Tifa said to Marlene and Denzel as she fought her nervousness, who looked at her with keen interest, wondering what it could be. "You're going to have another brother or sister in a few months, because I'm…I'm pregnant." she announced.

"A baby!" Marlene exclaimed happily. "How soon?"

"Who's the daddy?" Denzel asked.

"I'll tell you tomorrow, promise. I have to talk to his parents, and him, first. That's one of the reasons I'm going out tonight. That must be Cloud." Tifa said when someone knocked at the door. "Now behave yourselves and you don't have to stay up til midnight if you get too tired."

"Tifa, thank you so much for coming back!" Jillian said when she opened the door. "It's just a few of our friends here. Everyone, this is Tifa, she's one of Richard's friends."

Tifa was starting to enjoy mingling with his parents' friends, she rarely had time to socialize anymore when it didn't have to do with work or the kids. But she still needed to tell his parents that she needed time to figure things out, and that she really didn't need their son's support, or theirs, to raise another child. As if on cue, the front door opened and Reno appeared.

"Hey mom, I got the non-alcoholic champagne! I don't know why you wan…" Reno stopped talking when he saw Tifa's unmistakable form. His spirits sunk as he realized this had to be one of their subtly obvious attempts to fix him up…with the woman he had knocked up.

"Thank you, dear." Jillian took the two bottles from him. "Why don't you go say hi to everyone now?"

"What are you doing here?" Reno asked Tifa in a low voice, having made a beeline for her.

"I thought you wouldn't be here, so I accepted your parents' invitation to celebrate New Year's. I needed to talk to them." Tifa replied, feeling both relieved and upset he was here. She needed to talk to him too anyway.

"What do you want to talk to them about?" Reno asked testily, wondering why it bothered him that Tifa hadn't contacted him at all in the week since she found out she was pregnant with **his** child.

"To explain that I don't _need_ help from them or you, but they're more than welcome to be involved grandparents." Tifa quietly explained.

"You…don't want me to have anything to do with my own kid?" Reno was getting more confused and a little hurt, and it was making him more testy…why didn't she want him? He had forgotten over the years what rejection felt like, and now he was right back at square one.

"No, I didn't mean it like that!" she protested. "But you really don't want to be a father, do you? I'm telling you that you don't have to worry about it. And please keep your voice down."

"Don't tell me what do! I have rights!" Reno exclaimed in frustration, and suddenly they were the center of attention.

"If you want to talk, we can talk. If you're going to be like this, do it by yourself!" Tifa snapped and walked away from him.

Reno sat in the corner and sulked, his parents having decided to just leave him be. He couldn't believe this…was there something wrong with him or wrong with her? Eventually even he couldn't take his pouting anymore, and he stood up and started circulating again, just before the countdown to midnight started.

"10...9...8." the guests started chanting, and Reno tried to find his way to the door.

"7...6...5...4." Tifa was also trying to sneak out unobtrusively.

"3...2...1." They both put their hands on the doorknob at the same time, looking at each other with a mixture of relief and reluctance.

"0!" Reno decided to remind Tifa of how great his manhood was, and the other guests applauded that hottest kiss they had ever seen at a New Year's party.


	18. Chapter 18

Reno and Tifa both were taken aback by the feelings his impulsive kiss created in themselves, and they hastily separated, their faces flushed with emotion.

"That was…er…nice." Tifa managed to say, blurting out the first thing that came to mind..

"Nice?" Reno frowned. "It was great and you know it!"

Tifa frowned as well. Reno was right, but everything was happening too fast and she was unsure of herself with him, with how he kept going between hot and cold. "Tell your parents I enjoyed the party. If you want to talk, you know where I am." She quickly opened the door and left, unaware Reno was staring after her, equally as confused.

"What happened here?" Tifa smelled an almost overpowering disinfectant scent as soon as she entered her apartment.

"Um, Tseng got sick." Cloud sheepishly informed her, but neglecting to mention it happened during their midnight kiss. "I think we got it all."

"Smells like you did…for the next five years." Tifa remarked. "Are they asleep?"

"Yeah, they barely made it to their own beds though. Congratulations by the way. Marlene and Denzel couldn't contain their excitement. Do you mind if I ask who the lucky man is?" Cloud asked.

"I'll be telling everyone tomorrow at lunch, you can stop by if you want to know." Tifa told him.

"Are you okay?" Cloud became concerned that she didn't seem that excited.

"I'm just tired." she replied indifferently. "See you tomorrow maybe." As she crawled into her own bed once Cloud had left, she half-wished he hadn't fallen in love with Tseng and that they could have made it work. She understood him at least…she hadn't a clue about the man whose child she was carrying. He may have been an awkward kid, but he had loving supportive parents behind him the whole time, and Tifa's last thought before sleep overtook her was that she envied him for it, and how sad it made her that she didn't know if that was possible for their child.

"Will you tell us now?" Denzel asked as soon as everyone sat down to lunch, even Barrett who had dropped in for a quick visit.

"Tell us what?" Barrett poured Marlene's milk for her.

"Tifa's having a baby!" Marlene excitedly told him, and Barrett nearly spilled the milk.

"You're what?!" He give Tifa a look that was almost angry. "Who's the father?"

"I was just about to…" Tifa paused her announcement when she heard someone knock on the door. "That's probably Cloud, I told him he could stop by if he wanted to know too." Heading to the door, she was stunned to find Reno on the other side when she opened it. "What…what are you doing here?"

"You said if I wanted to talk, I knew where you were." he reminded her as Turkey came running excitedly over to the familiar voice and smell. "Oh no you don't!" Reno bent down and picked the puppy up, holding him at arm's length. "You're not ruining my outfit again."

"Don't hold him like that!" Tifa chided him, and took Turkey from him, cuddling him against her. "Go into the dining room."

"Lucky puppy." he muttered as he strode past the kitchen into the dining room, Tifa right behind him.

"Someone else stopped by instead." Tifa unnecessarily explained, her voice full of forced cheerfulness at Reno's presence, spoiling what she had hoped would be a private family discussion, even if she knew he of all people had a right to be here for this one.

"What's he doing here?" Barrett's eyes narrowed as he glared at the Turk who returned his gaze casually.

"Am I too late?" Cloud asked, joining them all. "The door was open, so…Reno? Why are you here?"

Tifa took a deep breath and decided there was no point in waiting any longer. "He's here because he's the father, that's why. Reno and I are having a baby." Finally saying it out loud like that changed something for Tifa, but she couldn't figure out what because chaos erupted at her revelation.

"Have you lost your friggin' mind?! You let yourself get kn…pregnant by him? Of all people, you picked him?! " Barrett stormed at her, shooting up out of his chair and knocking over the milk in the process, and then he started swearing as he tried to clean it up. Marlene and Denzel were still jabbering excitedly as they tried to help, both of them only knowing Reno as a nice man who brought them presents. Cloud was stunned and kept looking back and forth between them, trying to think of something to say. Reno himself wasn't happy about her telling everyone, even though he had already told Rude and Tseng knew before he did. The atmosphere in the dining room became too much for Turkey, who freed himself from Tifa's light hold and ran yapping through the room, and then jumped up on Barrett's empty chair and onto the table, licking up some of the milk and then tried to eat everyone's lunch until Barrett chased him off, and Turkey made a beeline for Reno, needing to relieve himself again.

"That's enough!" Tifa suddenly yelled, her patience evaporated. "Everyone either leave or go to your room! You all wanted to know, now you do!"

Tifa was cleaning up the mess from lunch herself when she felt someone staring at her. She turned and found Reno in the kitchen doorway. "Why are you still here?" she asked.

"Would you have even told me if you hadn't found out at my parent's house?" he asked her quietly.

"Of course I would have!" Tifa snapped. "You found out before anyone else anyway, didn't you? Well, except Tseng…how did he know?"

"We're Turks." Reno shrugged. "It's our job to know stuff no one else does."

"I'm sure. Look, I know you came here to talk, but this really isn't a good time, so would you mind leaving?" Tifa asked, surprised the downside of domestic life hadn't already scared him off.

"If you promise me something." Reno said, an idea occurring to him.

"What's the something?" Tifa was put on her guard by his offering a compromise.

"We talk during the Valentine cruise. It's all paid for, after all." he said.

She eyed him dubiously, getting rather fed up with how he kept barging into her life for no apparent reason, but now he did have reason, she amended. But a romantic cruise when she would be just starting to really feel the effects of pregnancy, according to that book? That sounded like a recipe for disaster to her, though maybe she could make sure Reno understood that she would not tolerate his routine of coming and going as he pleased with regards to their child. He was either going to be totally involved or not at all. And a vacation would probably be a good idea in her condition. "Fine." she agreed.

"See you in about a month." Reno gave her a rather charming smile before he left, thinking how he'd finally get the opportunity to lay down the law about his manhood with her, and if she wasn't interested, there'd be tons of other chicks wanting some loving on a romantic-themed cruise. Tseng was still pushing him to find a wife, but he never said it had to be permanent.

Tifa's doubts about the cruise increased as she stood in line to board the vessel. It seemed so silly now, taking a romantic cruise so she could talk about how they didn't need to be a couple just because she was pregnant. Finally it was her turn and she handed in her ticket to get her boarding pass.

"Ah, yes, Mrs. Lockhart, your husband has already boarded, and he's waiting for you in cabin A3." the steward told her.

"Husband?" Tifa didn't move for a moment, disbelieving what she had just heard, then made herself relax, they probably just assumed she and Reno had to be married since they were taking this cruise together. But she was holding up the line, so she hurriedly went to find her cabin and settle a few things with Reno.


	19. Chapter 19

Tifa found the cabin rather quickly, thanks to the map she was given with her boarding pass. Putting the magnetic strip on it in front of her door lock, she was amazed when the door opened to reveal a very luxurious and spacious cabin. She quickly walked inside and closed the door, looking around at everything. It had a living room with a widescreen plasma TV was above the electric fireplace, and a dining room! The only thing that annoyed her was the décor of the place, it was too obviously romantic, and she wasn't in the mood for that, she only agreed to this cruise to hash things out with Reno without any distractions. The man was still virtually a stranger to her, and she was having his child! She opened a door off to the side and found herself in the bedroom.

"Glad you made it!" Reno said when she entered. He was lying on the bed, a tiny basket of sample bottles of liqueurs next to him, and some bottles were on the nightstand, presumably empty already. "You can't drink in your condition, so I thought I'd help out by getting rid of them for you."

Tifa frowned. The cruise hadn't even really started yet and he hadn't wasted any time behaving irresponsibly while acting like he's doing her a favor. But they were going to be stuck with each other for two weeks, and she didn't want to start it fighting. Taking a deep breath, she forced her frown away. "This is a nice cabin…it's almost as big as my apartment." she said. The bedroom was dominated by the king bed, with another TV and fireplace on the opposite wall. "Is that the bathroom?" Tifa pointed to another door.

"Yeah, this place has everything." Reno replied cheerfully. Except a cabin mate who actually cared about him, a little voice suddenly whispered inside him, and he shrugged it off. It didn't matter if Tifa wasn't interested, he told himself. There were bound to be plenty of other women on board this cruise who wanted loving.

"Um…this is an interesting bathroom." Tifa said in an odd voice, trying to conceal her distaste as she gazed at the heart-shaped whirlpool tub, big enough for two people. The shower stall was also larger than a standard one, and her frown returned. Was this supposed to be a honeymoon suite?! Remembering what the steward said when she checked in, she turned around to get a look at Reno. "Why do people think we're married?" she asked more harshly than intended.

"I dunno. Probably because this is a stupid Valentine's Day cruise and no single person would voluntarily share a room with someone they weren't attached to." Reno answered, and before Tifa could say anything else, there was a knock on the door.

"Isn't this a wonderful ship?" A beaming Jillian asked when Reno opened the door. "It was so nice of your boss to invite us along too! Oh, your father is waiting for us at the informal meet and greet orientation thing, I told him I'd come and remind you not to miss it."

Tifa had forgotten his parents had been given tickets too at that memorable Christmas dinner. "Just let me unpack and I'll follow you." she told his mother.

"I'll go now." Reno decided, wanting to see what kind of women were onboard as much as not be around his mother and Tifa by himself, and he quickly left.

"How are you feeling, dear?" Jillian asked her once they were alone.

"I'm doing fine." Tifa replied guardedly as she put her clothes and toiletries away. Reno had kept his word when she asked for some space until the cruise and had purposely avoided her, but now she was going to be stuck on a ship with him and his parents, and she was suddenly feeling a bit smothered again, especially with his mother seeing everything she brought with her.

"That's good. I just hope my son doesn't wear you out in your condition, he's a handful." Jillian said.

"Handful?" Tifa inquired blandly, thinking that was a polite way to describe him.

"Oh yes. He needs a woman who understands his special needs." Jillian agreed.

"Special needs?" Tifa wondered what that meant…was there something wrong with Reno? She bit back a laugh at her own mental answers to that question as she put the last of her luggage away.

"Yes, he needs a woman who has enough time and energy to give him all the attention he needs. We did spoil him, but he deserved it, and he was always so sensitive." Jillian told her. "Are you ready to go?" At Tifa's nod, she started leading the way.

Reno's height gave him the advantage to see most of the other cruise goers from where he was in the back, and he was disappointed how many of the women seemed to be already taken…he should have fucking known…frowning as he continued scanning the crowd, he was unpleasantly surprised to spot Tseng and Cloud in the front row. What was going on? His thoughts were interrupted by his mother arriving with Tifa.

"There you are. Come on, I see your father, let's find out what this cruise has to offer." Jillian took Reno's arm and led him over to where Patrick was waiting for them, Tifa reluctantly following.

Cloud was listening with interest at the captain and first mate's speeches before they introduced the various activity directors and guest entertainers. This promised to be a very enjoyable cruise, which had been Tseng's way of apologizing for his overindulgent escapades during the holidays, since Cloud hadn't really found constantly tending to his hungover partner and cleaning up after him very festive. He knew Tseng didn't get much time off, but that was no excuse for overdoing it the first chance he got.

"Now since we limited this cruise to fifty lucky couples, why don't you all start introducing yourselves?" the captain's voice rang out to the passengers.

"My name is Jillian Sinclair, and this is my wonderful husband, Patrick Sinclair. Oh, and my son Richard here and Tifa Lockhart are expecting their first child, so don't think it odd if she doesn't drink during this cruise!" Jillian announced loudly, wanting to help them out.

Cloud joined in the applause, though he was as stunned as they were, judging from how much Reno paled and Tifa blushed. He had thought this was just for him and Tseng…was this a working vacation? He turned to glare accusingly at his lover, but Tseng was looking at the expectant couple, not him.

"They're _your_ parents." Tifa pointedly whispered to Reno as the applause died out, resenting being put on the spot like that.

"Yeah well…" Reno couldn't think of a suitable rejoinder, so he just said the first thing that came to mind. "Wanna just stay in our cabin the whole cruise?"

Tifa stared at him…stuck for days with Reno as her only companion? She had only agreed to this cruise so she could talk to him seriously without distractions, but… "Why don't we discuss it over dinner in two hours?" she found herself suggesting.

"Does that mean you'll be nice to me?" he asked.

Tifa blinked in surprise. There was an almost undetectable note of wistfulness in his voice, and it made her wonder more about him, he was such a hard man to pin down. "Of course I will." she agreed. If nothing else, at least she should be able to get some answers about who he really was during this cruise.

"Then it's a date." Reno said casually and actually smiled at her.

 _A date_. Tifa wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all, it would really be their first date, when she was two and a half months pregnant with his child, and his parents already considered her their daughter-in-law. Instead of laughing, she returned his smile.


	20. Chapter 20

Reno stared curiously at Tifa as she got ready for their dinner date. "Why are you dressing up? It's just dinner and I've already seen you naked." he pointed out.

"Because I don't get a chance to dress up much." she replied, wondering why she felt so self-conscious to have him watching her. She also didn't get a chance to date much, and sharing a romantically themed cabin with the man she was going out on a first date with seemed too…weird! "I'm ready." she told him reluctantly after checking herself in the mirror one last time.

"It's about time…I'm starving!" Reno exclaimed, throwing down the tv guide and jumping off the bed. "Let's go!"

"This is a nice restaurant." Tifa remarked as they entered the upscale establishment that even had a musician playing classical music on a grand piano in the corner.

"You two aren't dining with the Captain?" The maitre'd seemed surprised to see them, and guided them to one of the best tables when Reno glared at him.

"The Captain?" Tifa asked blankly as they sat down.

"Yeah, our cabin is one of the few luxury suites here, my parents have one too. It comes with all sorts of perks like a standing invite to the Captain's table." Reno explained as he glanced over the menu.

"Oh." Tifa wished she would have looked over the brochure more, but knowing that she'd be safe was her prime concern, and rooming with Reno while his parents were on the same cruise made her confident that despite his many faults, he wouldn't put them in danger. She wished she could be as confident that he cared as much about his unborn child, but she realized that wasn't fair, he had only known a few weeks, and she secretly was still ambivalent about being pregnant by him herself. "So why didn't we do that? It sounds like fun."

"I hate formal dinners." Reno replied instantly, having ambivalent feelings himself about the way she said 'we'. They weren't a couple, no matter his parents thought, but did she want to be? How did she really feel about him? He shook his head and concentrated on reading the menu.

"Well, I think I'll do it tomorrow then." Tifa said as the sommelier approached their table with a bottle.

"This is a complimentary bottle of our finest non-alcoholic champagne for the expectant couple." he told them with a smile and opened it, pouring some into their glasses and leaving the bottle with them, before heading off to another table.

"I'd rather have a double whiskey on the rocks." Reno complained under his breath when the music suddenly changed. "Oh no…"

"What's going on?" Tifa asked him as his parents suddenly appeared at their table.

"We can only stay a moment, it's a shame you are missing the Captain's dinner." Patrick told them.

"We wanted to make sure you were okay, and you are. Being pregnant agrees with you. Isn't she beautiful, Richard?" Jillian asked.

"She always looks good." Reno said before he could stop himself, and raised the menu to cover his slightly blushing face.

"Well, we better get back now." Patrick told Jillian.

"Oh yes, and we hope you enjoy your date night with the better music." Jillian said and then they left.

"Better music?" Tifa asked Reno, unaware she was also slightly blushing, from his unexpected compliment.

"It's _Baby, I Love You_ by the Ramones." Reno explained testily. "My parents are crazy about that song, they told me that's the reason I'm here."

"Oh." Tifa was glad he revealed something personal, but that really wasn't something she wanted to know.

"Are you ready to order yet?" a waiter asked them.

"I'll take a behemoth steak, medium rare. No salad or vegetables, and smother it in hot sauce." Reno said. "And a big bowl of extra cheesy macaroni and cheese as well."

"Do you special requests?" Tifa asked the waiter.

"What would you like?" he wanted to know.

"It's a hot sub sandwich. Chocobo meatballs, simmered in marinara sauce, covered with sautéed onions and half a cup of shredded Italian cheese mix." Tifa explained. "I'd like two of those if possible. If not, I'll take one plate of spicy pasta salad and one smoked ham dinner."

Reno stared at her in disbelief. Did she really want that stuff or was it the pregnancy cravings? "I can't believe you're not fatter." he blurted out after the waiter left.

"You should talk." Tifa snapped back. "At least I'm eating for two, what's your excuse?"

"It's the Sinclair metabolism. And you agreed to this stupid cruise cause you wanted to talk, didn't you?" Reno retorted. "So what'd you wanna talk about?"

Tifa frowned. She did want to talk, but she didn't want to spoil the first real vacation she'd had in years, or the first date. "Just tell me what you'd tell any other woman on a first date." she answered a few moments later.

"I don't date. That's boring." Reno informed her.

It was Tifa's turn to stare at him as she realized they had something else in common besides their child, neither of them knew how to act on a date. That cheered her up a bit. "Well, then pretend this is a job interview." she said with a mischievous grin. "What education and job skills do you have?"

"I only graduated high school, but I'm the best damn helicopter pilot in all of Gaia, I can disable any bomb in 42 seconds or less, and I've got tons of combat experience." he proudly replied.

"Okay, but can you cook?" Tifa asked, fighting back laughter, unsure if it was hormones or the champagne making her want to be silly, but she was starting to really enjoy herself.

"Huh?" Reno blinked at her in confused surprise.

When they got back to their cabin, Tifa was still in a good mood, until Reno started stripping once the door was closed. He headed straight for the shower when he was naked, leaving his clothes on the floor where they landed. She changed into her nightgown, taking her jewelry and makeup off before getting into what would be her side of their king-sized bed. "You sleep naked?" she almost shrieked when he got into bed a little while later.

"Yeah, what's wrong with that? You've already had a piece of this, so please don't turn prudish on me now." Reno said as he got comfortable under the covers.

Tifa was about to complain more when she remembered something his mother had told her at Christmas. "I wonder if it still works…"

"Hey, what are you…" Reno's sentence faded into snoring as Tifa used the technique Jillian had when he was a baby to calm him down when he fought nap time, rubbing his tummy and singing the Three Little Pigs nursery rhyme.

"This might not be such a bad vacation after all." Tifa smiled, knowing she now didn't have to worry about Reno misbehaving himself while they shared a bed.


	21. Chapter 21

Tifa felt disoriented when she woke up the next morning, the unfamiliar movement of the cruise ship causing her to have a fretful night's sleep, and as she stretched and yawned, she was momentarily shocked to realize she had been comfortably cuddled with someone. Reno woke up when she started moving, and reacted out of habit to a female body next to him. Tifa's eyes bugged out as she felt Reno's lips on hers while his hands started fondling her, and her stiffening up woke him up fully.

"I…uh…" Tifa wanted to say something when they quickly separated, staring embarrassingly at the other's red face, but a wave of nausea hit her, and she bolted for the bathroom.

Reno frowned as he listened to her retching. He was going to take a cold shower to deal with his own stiffening, but now he felt sick himself as he realized the only single attractive woman on this whole stupid cruise was the one he had foolishly gotten pregnant. Why couldn't this be a swingers cruise?! He felt even sicker when he remembered his parents were also aboard as passengers, and it was bad enough knowing what kind of sex games they already played. "Don't tease me like that again." Reno pouted when Tifa finally emerged from the bathroom.

"Tease?" Tifa felt herself feeling angry and concerned at the same time, since Reno looked as green as she felt. "You're the one that kissed me!"

"It was an accident." Reno told her with faked indifference. "Have you really never shared a bed with a guy before?"

"That's none of your business!" Tifa exclaimed, her cheeks burning again. "You can go to breakfast yourself, I'm staying by the bathroom this morning."

Reno was next in line at the breakfast buffet before it occurred to him that he had been bossed out of his own cabin, and he might have thought better of Tifa if he knew that she was having a thought occur to her as well, while lying in their bed while waiting for the morning sickness to fade. She was thinking that despite everything, it had been enjoyable to wake up to his advances.

"Would you mind going to dinner at the Captain's table with me tonight?" Tifa asked Reno during their lunch at the pizzeria on board. Her pregnancy cravings now demanded two personal pizzas, one with ranch dressing instead of tomato sauce, with green beans and chilis, the second one with barbecue sauce, mushrooms, bacon bits, apple slices, and extra cheese.

"Why don't you want to go alone?" Reno asked, wondering if he would ever be able to look at pizza the same way again as she attacked her meal like she hadn't eaten in two weeks.

"Because I don't want everyone asking me about you and I'm not going to face your parents on my own." Tifa said, her mouth half-full of a small bite from each pizza.

"I'll go, if we don't have to sit together." Reno's appetite vanished as he watched her take such delight in eating the pizza slices she had sandwiched together.

"Sure, that's fine." Tifa said, though she felt a little hurt that he didn't want to be near her. At least she was learning more about him like she wanted, even if wasn't all complimentary…he was such a slob! "Are you going to finish that?" she asked him.

"You can have it." Reno slid his meat-lover's personal pizza over to her, wondering if he should tell her she had ranch dressing and barbecue sauce all around her mouth like badly smeared clown makeup.

"Thanks. And since you know more about formal dinners than I do, would you mind going with me to the boutique after this and help me pick out a proper dress?" Tifa liberally doused his pizza with the parmesan cheese in the shaker before she took her first bite.

"Uh, sure." Reno agreed, surprised by her request and was more than a little flattered that she valued his expertise on something. But he'd definitely make sure she wiped her face off before they left.

"So which of these do you like?" Tifa held up two dresses in each hand.

Reno looked them over. "You'd look hot in red, but you'd blend in too much with the Valentine's Day themed décor around here. Black also works for you, but it would just blend in with your hair and stand out too much on this ship. I'd like to see you in green, but that still wouldn't work here. Now this…" He took the cream-colored silk Wutaian dress from her. "This will flatter your coloring and make you stand out just enough. Go try it on and see how it feels."

"Okay." Tifa reluctantly took it back from him and gave him the other three to put back as she headed to the dressing room. She had only picked it because it was in her size, but it really wasn't her style, and she wasn't used to high collars. She slipped it on and opened the door enough to peek out and see that he was there before she came out, feeling way too self-conscious. "I guess it feels okay. Should I get it?"

"It's perfect." Reno nodded with approval. "You'd look even better if you put your hair up."

It was Tifa's turn to feel flattered as Reno complimented her, and she was glad he could be a nice guy, first giving her his lunch, and now helping her find a dress. Plus he agreed to go to the formal dinner with her, even after admitting he hated them. "I'll buy it then."

"It's time to go or we'll be late." Reno told Tifa that evening. "Captains don't appreciate tardiness."

"Fine. Is this okay?" Tifa stepped out of the bathroom after putting her hair up like he had suggested.

"You're beautiful. Can we go eat now?" Reno almost begged, feeling the effects of missing lunch.

"Yes, let's go." Tifa nervously took a deep breath and headed out the door with him.


	22. Chapter 22

"You made it!" the Captain smiled as he stood up when Reno and Tifa walked in.

"Yeah." Reno barely kept the distaste out of his voice he felt for the formalities he was about to endure, and Tseng was here as well, so he wouldn't be able to pull any stunts to get out of this.

"I'm sorry we missed last night, I didn't know we were invited." Tifa told the Captain, shooting an offended glance at Reno, who slunk over to the chair next to Cloud and plopped down in it, causing her to do a doubletake. "Cloud! Yo…you're here?"

"Delivery boys need vacations too." he said casually. "I take it Barrett is taking care of the kids?"

"Of course. And Yuffie is helping out when she can." Tifa sat down next to Tseng, forcing herself to smile at him. She had long since gotten over blaming him for her and Cloud not working out, but his current unexpected interference in her personal life wasn't welcome.

"Why aren't you two sitting together?" Jillian asked.

"Don't ask questions you don't want answers to." Reno muttered. "Besides, you'll find out for yourself soon enough."

Seeing Tifa frown at the exchange, Cloud wondered what feelings she had for the red-headed Turk. He had been as stunned as Barret when she announced her pregnancy and that Reno was the father. It was so unlike her to do something that…well not necessarily careless, but definitely impulsive. Reno could be a jerk, but…Cloud frowned too as he realized he really didn't know what positive traits he had, except loyalty. But Tifa was a grown woman, if she cared for Reno, he would support her and subtly meddle to get them together. "So are you as smart as Tseng?" he asked Reno quietly. "I love smart men."

Reno swallowed his sip of wine wrong and started coughing when he got a look at the flirtatious smile on Cloud's face, and Reno's face turned as red as his hair. He got control of himself in a few moments, gesturing for his parents to take their seats again as they had stood up to rush over and help him.

"Your face looks hot. I guess that means with your boss on one side of me and you on the other, I'm in the middle of a hot Turk sandwich." Cloud couldn't stop himself from needling Reno more as the man scooted his chair as far away as he could, not going back to Tifa's side like Cloud intended. He had thought he was over his asinine high school behavior, but he hated formal dinners too, and teasing Reno was so much fun!

"Since we haven't formally met yet, Mr. Sinclair and Miss Lockhart, I'll just introduce myself and some of my crew." the Captain said. "I'm Captain Saxaul, this is my Executive Officer Tibby, Entertainment Director Bikoff, and Chief Engineer Torres."

Tifa exchanged pleasantries with the crew before asking the important question that had been on her mind for a while. "What's for dinner?"

"Behemoth Beef Wellington." Tibby answered first. "We have a wonderful kitchen staff, including two five star gourmet chefs."

"Oh." Tifa's enthusiasm faltered. "Are we allowed to make special requests?"

"What allergies do you have?" Saxaul inquired.

"Oh, it's not that, I was just wondering if they could top mine with whipped cream and candy corns." Tifa explained, smiling as everyone regarded her with curious stares.

"I, um…will find out." the Captain told her, signaling for the waiter to go ask the chef on duty.

"Oh, your baby is going to be a special one!" Jillian exclaimed. "Just like my little Dickie, isn't that right, Daddy?"

"He's a grown man now, I don't think you should call him that in public anymore." Patrick murmured to her as Reno slumped down further in his chair, his embarrassment so obvious Cloud almost felt sorry for him.

"If he's not too big to be spanked, he's not too big to be called that!" Jillian retorted, unhappy at having her mothering questioned.

"Did you know there's a wedding chapel on board?" Tseng asked Reno and Tifa, speaking for the first time into the awkward silence.

"That's nice." Tifa was puzzled as to why he would mention that. Was he suggesting…no, he couldn't be. "But I'm not interes…" Her sentence was interrupted by the arrival of the chef in a foul mood.

"Who is the heathen demanding I cheapen my food?" he nearly shouted at the table.

"Calm down." Tibby stood up and walked over to the irate man. "No one is disrespecting you, we just have a pregnant woman with special cravings."

"I don't have the cravings, my baby does. Is that a problem?" Tifa stood up and faced the chef at her most menacing, her red eyes glaring at him as she assumed a battle ready stance.

A faint smile appeared on Reno's face as the chef turned tail and fled back to the kitchen while Tifa primly sat back down. This was the most entertaining formal dinner he had been to in a long time, and they hadn't even started eating yet. Granted most of it was embarrassing to him, and he didn't want to marry Tifa either, but it bothered him more than he wanted to admit that she didn't want him either, and he had to get married soon.


	23. Chapter 23

"I apologize for our chef's behavior." Captain Saxaul said as Tibby resumed his seat.

"I heard some chefs were temperamental." Jillian said with a neutral expression on her face, though inside she was cheering Tifa on.

"Yes, they are." Tibby said resignedly. "But he is good at his job."

"I hope so. Behemoth meat is soooo good!" Tifa said with a smile. "Unfortunately I can't afford it except for really special occasions."

"Like the birth of your first child. Have you thought of names yet?" Torres asked Tifa and Reno.

"The firstborn should always be named after the father." Tseng gave his unsolicited opinion and Cloud winced, knowing all too well the folly of trying to tell Tifa what to do, and a pregnant Tifa seemed even less inclined to put up with it.

"Doesn't matter to me." Reno lied as he gulped down his wine. Tifa frowned, about to turn on him when the food arrived and distracted her, though she was unaware of everyone staring at her when she got whipped cream on her face, though none of them dared risk another outburst by pointing it out to her.

"So, um, is the first cruise you've been on?" Tibby asked them all, trying to steer the conversation back to polite small talk, even though he had done this discussion yesterday with everyone but Reno and Tifa.

"No." were the flat answers from Reno and Tseng, while Cloud and Tifa gave ambivalent answers, unsure if their previous time on boats and airships qualified, leaving Patrick and Jillian as the only positive answers.

"Last night you said you had been a captain for twenty years?" Jillian asked Saxaul.

"I've been serving on ships for twenty years, but I've only been a captain for ten." Saxaul clarified.

"Do you ever get single passengers on these Valentine's cruises?" Reno suddenly asked.

"Can't you ever keep it in your pants?" Tifa snapped at him, though after the words passed her lips, she was puzzled over why she was bothered by him being himself. She knew what kind of man he was, after all. Just because she was having his child didn't change anything between them, did it?

"Can't you ever not embarrass me when we go anywhere?" Reno fired back. "You made yourself look like a clown at the pizzeria, now you've got whipped cream all over your face!"

"Awwww, you two are already fighting like you're married." Jillian beamed at them. She was glad to know her son's lover had guts and strong maternal instincts. If she could only get those two down the aisle, she thought as Reno and Tifa both became flustered, but Tifa suddenly turned green and ran from the room.

"That should tell you what she thinks about marrying me." Reno announced casually to everyone as he got up reluctantly, glad of an excuse to leave, but hoping he wasn't missing out on a great dessert.

Cloud's eyes narrowed as he watched the man leave. He now wondered if perhaps Reno had any feelings for Tifa…his tone had been rather indifferent, but his words indicated that he wasn't happy at her rejection. Maybe it was a Turk thing, Tseng had been a hard man to pin down as well, even after they both realized they wanted each other. Cloud felt himself blushing as he remembered the 'overly enthusiastic' consummation of their mutual desire, and put his head down so no one would notice.

Tifa was angry as she rushed to the privacy of her cabin, though not with a person, but with her condition, which was interrupting a lovely dinner. She hurried to put the keycard in the lock, but she dropped it in her haste, and the nausea got worse when she bent down to pick It up. Slumping to the floor, she took deep breaths to try and hold vomiting off long enough for her to get to her bathroom. A shadow fell over her, and she looked up to see Reno, who without a word took his key card out, opening the door before gently picking her up and carrying her to the bathroom, putting her down in front of the toilet, before going back to the main room to turn the TV on to one of the comedy stations. His silent kindness troubled her more as her dinner came back up. What was going on with him?

"Thank you." she told him a few minutes later as she walked into the main room, looking pale and still a teeny bit green.

Feeling more confident with her gratitude, Reno decided that he might as well go for broke and settle things with her, one way or another. "So um…I know you don't like me, but since everyone thinks we're together anyway, what would you say if I…uh…actually did ask you to marry me? Not forever though, like um…just til you have the baby or something."

Tifa's mind suddenly went blank…was he serious? He was confusing her even more with the most lousy, yet somehow needily charming, proposal she had ever heard. "How much did you have to drink tonight?" she asked numbly.

"Is that a yes or no?" Reno wanted to know, though he was glad she didn't outright reject the idea, his offer not having come out quite the way he intended it to sound.

"I…I need some fresh air." Tifa said, quickly leaving the cabin.


	24. Chapter 24

Cloud and Tseng were on their way back to their cabin after dinner when Cloud caught sight of Tifa by the railing, mindlessly staring at the ocean waves, obviously troubled by something. "Go on, I'll catch up with you." he told Tseng.

"Very well, but don't dally too long." Tseng said as he saw who Cloud was looking at. "After all, you did promise me something tonight." he said as he discreetly but playfully spanked his partner as he continued onto the cabin.

Cloud sighed before approaching Tifa. He knew Tseng only acted that way when he felt a little insecure, and he also knew the man wasn't totally comfortable with Cloud's relationship with Tifa, since they had been childhood sweethearts and now shared custody of their two adopted children. Sometimes he felt like the rope in a tug-of-war game between Tseng and Tifa. "Are you feeling better?" he asked his best friend.

"Huh? Oh yeah, I just…" Tifa groaned in sudden frustration. "Why did I agree to this cruise?"

"I don't know, I didn't even know you were seeing Reno." Cloud reminded her.

"I'm **not** seeing him!" Tifa exclaimed. "Do you know what he just did?"

"So you're not seeing him, but you're pregnant with his child and taking a romantic cruise with him? How did it all start, if you don't mind me asking?" Cloud asked carefully, wondering what the odds were she would throw him overboard if she thought he was defending Reno.

"At Thanksgiving…no, it started before that. He started coming to the bar and acting all weird, giving us gifts like Turkey in between bouts of ignoring me. Then he wanted to apologize for being a jerk by giving us a catered Thanksgiving dinner. I…I was lonely when Denzel said he wished you were there, and Reno was being so nice, I just…" Tifa sighed herself and patted her stomach. "So here we are."

Cloud couldn't keep himself from smiling as he listened to her explanation. "Welcome to the world of being courted by a Turk. Tseng kept wanting me to deliver stuff for him, but he'd always try to avoid looking at me when I showed up."

"Courting me? What are you talking about? He just about disappeared off the face of the planet the morning after Thanksgiving, having the gall to leave me a note saying he hopes I find somebody." Tifa told him irritably. "And now he…"

"He what?" Cloud asked when Tifa made a face and slammed her clenched fists on the railing instead of finishing her sentence.

"He was really nice to me, then he said he knew I didn't like him and then asked me to marry him just until the baby is born…that man is crazy!" Tifa snapped.

" _Do_ you like him?" Cloud asked her pointedly. It sounded to him like Reno was crazy, but for her. He didn't like the man much, but if Tifa cared for him too, Cloud would have to meddle and make sure she didn't miss out on a chance at happiness with that lout.

"How can I? I barely know him, and it might just have to stay that way…he's the hardest man to pin down I have ever met! It's easy to get him to talk about his conquests, but not about who he really is." she replied bitterly. "His parents are nice though." she added in a friendlier tone.

"Again, welcome to the world of Turk courtship. Count yourself lucky to know his parents, but that might be part of the problem." Cloud suggested.

"What is _**that**_ supposed to mean?!" Tifa demanded to know.

"I can't get Tseng to admit anything about his life prior to becoming a Turk or even most of his life since then until we met. Turks are all about secrets, that's their job. You learned some of Reno's without his consent, so he's probably feeling vulnerable where you're concerned. Not to mention you're carrying his child." Cloud told her. "He probably never expected to be in this position anymore than you did."

Tifa was taken aback by Cloud's sensible reply…was that what was wrong with Reno? He…she knew how she felt about the way he barged into her life, did he feel the same way about her? "But…"

Cloud patted her clenched fist affectionately. "You've always been my best friend, so one last piece of advice. There's one thing you never have to doubt with the Turks, and it makes up for a lot. Once you have their loyalty, you'll never lose it. They're yours for life, even if they like to pretend they're in charge." Cloud said with a smirk. "And speaking of, I better get back to my Turk…I forgot this was the anniversary of the day we met, and I promised I'd make it up to him."

Tifa watched him go back to his cabin, feeling lonely again, and more confused than ever. She wanted this cruise to straighten things out, but Cloud's explanation had thrown her for a loop. Could Reno actually care for her? And why did she so easily get frustrated with him? What was wrong with the both of them? If he did care for her, common decency suggested she make an effort to establish a positive relationship with him of some sort, especially for their child's sake. She sighed and took a deep breath to steady herself. Maybe it was time to set things right…she'd quit beating around the bush and tell him the truth about how she felt about everything, and take it from there.

Reno turned on the television to try and distract himself from Tifa's running away from his half-assed proposal. What had possessed him to even say that? He knew it was stupid as soon as he said it, but he wasn't going to back down and admit it. He wondered if she had some manual on how to drive him crazy, and decided to take advantage of her absence to go snooping in her things. Stuffing the remote under one of the couch cushions, so he could tell her he was looking for it if she came back unexpectedly, he stood up and went to her nightstand.

"Baby books." he said in disgust when he opened the drawer. "This isn't helping!" he exclaimed as took them out, then noticed a paper barely sticking out of the one Tseng had given her for Christmas. Throwing the other books on the bed, he opened the book and carefully took the folded paper out, opening it up. As he read the legal form, he felt the unwelcome sense of rejection again. " _Termination of Parental Rights_ …so this is why she wanted to go on this cruise!" Reno crumpled the paper tossed it on the bed before storming out of their cabin.

Tifa was surprised to find the TV on but Reno gone when she returned to their cabin. Then she noticed her nightstand drawer opened and the books on the bed, realizing he had been going through her things. "What the…" she stopped mid-rant when she saw the crumpled paper next to the books. Smoothing it out again, she felt dread in the pit of her stomach as she looked at the form she had taken with her on the cruise only as a precaution if it became obvious he wasn't interested in being a reliable influence in their child's life. She hadn't met for him to find out like this. "Oh no…"


	25. Chapter 25

"Another one, barkeep." Reno demanded, impatiently tapping his shot glass on the solid wood bar.

"I don't think your pretty little wife would like that." the bartender said cautiously.

"She's nothing but a pretty little thief. And she's not my wife!" Reno retorted angrily, not realizing that he sounded almost hurt when he said that. "Gimme another!"

"Whatever you say, mister. It's your life." the bartender replied, not really interested in hearing another sob story about how someone's life was so awful, especially when they're on a romantic cruise and expecting their first child with someone who looked like they could breastfeed an army.

"Damn right it's my life…and it's gonna stay that way!" Reno exclaimed before downing his drink in one gulp. "Pour me another, I'm celebrating!" He forced a smile…this was a celebration of his freedom, and he was going to enjoy it!

The ringing phone interrupted Tifa's tossing and turning, too worried about Reno to get a good night's sleep. Sitting up in bed, she grabbed for the phone. "Hello?" she groggily blurted into the phone. "Yes, that's me. Yes, that's…he's what? Well I'm…okay okay, I'll be there as soon as I can." Tifa got up and changed into something slightly warmer to be out on deck after hours, then hurriedly left her cabin and went straight to Cloud's and Tseng's cabin, knocking hard on their door.

"Tifa!" Cloud hastily whipped off his cowboy hat when he saw it was her after opening the door a teeny bit. "What's wrong?"

"Reno's gotten himself seriously drunk and they want me to come get him, but I thought I might need some help." Tifa explained.

"Tell them to lock him in the brig." Tseng replied from somewhere in the room Tifa couldn't see, but she heard the unmistakable sound of spurs.

"I can't do that! It's…kinda my fault." she reluctantly admitted, acting more flustered than Cloud ever remembered her being.

"Just let me get something else on really quick." Cloud said, hurriedly closing the door as Tifa finally registered that she had interrupted something she didn't want to know about. She was thoroughly embarrassed by the time Cloud opened the door and they started towards the bar. "How is it your fault?" he asked.

"He found a legal form I had in my things, terminating his parental rights." she quietly replied.

"You…you don't want him to be the father?" Cloud blinked in surprise. There had to be something he wasn't getting, this didn't sound like her.

"I don't want our child being hurt if he's only interested in a father when it's convenient for him." she clarified. "I wasn't going to ask him to sign it unless he made it clear he wasn't interested in being a full-time parent."

Cloud nodded as they entered the bar, that sounded more like the Tifa he knew. "So Reno found it on his own and got upset?"

Thoroughly drunk and bored, Reno was facing the entrance and started yelling and pointing when he saw them. "There she is! Somebody arrest her! She's a thief!"

"We'll talk about this back in the cabin, it's not what you think." Tifa tried to reason with him.

"I could have taken my little boy out on the town when he was old enough, made a real man out of him!" Reno continued his drunken rant, ignoring Tifa's attempts to calm him down. "And if it was a girl, I could have let every one of her dates know that I can hide a body anywhere on this planet so they won't get too fresh with her. But I don't get to do any of that, do I?"

"At least you get to have kids." Cloud snapped. "You're going back to your cabin, and you can drink all you want there."

"I like it here. And you're not the boss of anything here, buddy." Reno fired back. "You know, you're probably the one she wishes was the father. I'm not good enough for anything according to her…she wanted to steal my manhood, and she did it! Hey everybody, that's what she stole…my manhood…how come no one wants to arrest her?" He went to spin around looking for a ship official, but the movement got him off balance and he fell onto a table, which fell to the ground instantly, taking him with it.

"He's out cold." Cloud said when he felt for a pulse. "Let's get him back to your cabin."

Tifa could only nod as she helped Cloud pick Reno up and carry him back to their cabin. Reno's ranting had surprised her further, and she was going it over and over again in her head…he really was hurt by her having that paper and he had dreams for his child's future…they definitely needed to really talk when he sobered up. "Thanks Cloud." she told her friend when Reno was deposited on their bed. "Um…I have one more favor to ask…well advice really."

"I think that sounds like a great idea. In the morning I'll send over something that will help." Cloud said when Tifa finished, opening the door to leave. "Good night again."

"Well, it's just us again." Tifa told the unconscious Reno as she arranged him as comfortably as she could. "You're just going to have sleep in your clothes, I'm **not** undressing you." Getting herself comfortable on her side of the bed, she looked at Reno once more before turning the lights out. "I'm sorry." she quickly kissed him on the cheek in the apology, feeling her cheeks burn as darkness filled the room. "We'll finally have that talk in the morning." she murmured reassuringly, more to herself than to Reno, before falling asleep.


	26. Chapter 26

Reno's groans woke Tifa up the next morning, just before there was a knock on the door. "Just a moment!" she called out as she threw a bathrobe, and Reno's groans turned to curses at the sudden loud sound. Opening the door, she was handed a package by one of the stewards. "Thank you." she told them, quickly closing the door to prevent more of Reno's vulgar language from being overheard. Remembering that Cloud had promised to send something over to help, she wasted no time opening the box. Tifa stared blankly at the baby doll…that sure wasn't what she was expecting. Finding a note from Cloud enclosed in the package, a smile broke out on her face as she read it…this was perfect!

"Somebody kill me!" Reno moaned, and Tifa focused her attention back to him.

"No one is going to kill you." she assured him quietly in a gentle tone. "You go back to sleep for a little bit and I'll make some coffee." Leaning over him, she rubbed his tummy again while humming the Three Little Pigs. "So easy to please, aren't you?" Tifa smirked as he instantly fell back asleep, then started the pot of coffee brewing. She let him sleep another half hour before waking him back up. "Here's your coffee." she said as she handed him the mug. "Sugar and creamer are on your nightstand, since I don't know how you like your coffee."

"It's top secret." Reno muttered, trying to focus on his coffee instead of the pounding in his head. "Why are you being nice to me? You think I'm scum, don't you?"

"No!" Tifa's loud denial aggravated his hangover and he groaned again. "Sorry." she apologized quietly. "I don't think you're scum, I honestly don't know you well enough to rightfully think anything about you. I'm doubly sorry if I said or did anything to make you think that. My only real concern is protecting our child, and I'm perfectly willing to raise them myself if I have to."

"Yeah, you don't want nothing to do with me." Reno pouted as he drank his coffee.

"So prove me wrong." Tifa offered. "I have a deal for you."

"What kind of deal?" Reno looked up from his coffee and narrowed his eyes as he looked cautiously at her.

Tifa took the baby doll out of the box. "This is a robotic baby, the kind adoption agencies use to test prospective parents. I want you to take care of it for the rest of the cruise."

"What?!" Reno spat out his coffee. "Why would I want to do that? What's in it for me?"

"It grades its caretakers. If you prove yourself able and willing to be a responsible parent, I'll tear up that paper and toss it into the ocean." Tifa explained.

"That's kind of you, but that's a crap deal…I want a better offer." Reno told her.

"Like what?" Tifa asked warily.

"If I pass this test, you'll marry me." Reno countered.

"What?" Tifa shrieked, then frowned as Reno winced. "Sorry." Wondering what his fixation on marrying her was about, but if he was able and interested in being a good father, then she really had nothing to lose by marrying him. Marlene and Denzel were becoming fond of him, and he could be quite the gentleman on occasion. And it's not like they had to stay married if things soured. "Okay, it's a deal."

"You want me to start now?" he asked her when she handed him the doll. "I've got the world's best hangover here."

"Parenting isn't done at your convenience, _Daddy_." Tifa smiled sweetly at him.


	27. Chapter 27

"What are you doing with that doll, son?" Patrick asked as they stood in line at the breakfast buffet, Reno wearing a sling on his chest to carry the doll.

"Proving to Tifa that I can be a responsible parent so she'll marry me." Reno admitted to his father, any snide comment he might have made about her overridden by his gratitude for her kindness in giving him the best home remedy for a hangover she knew, even though she refused to give him the recipe. She told him she was only giving it to him so he'd leave the cabin with the baby and let her rest.

"Oh. Well, good luck, son." Patrick wished his son and Tifa would have had this forethought before getting her spontaneously pregnant.

"I don't need luck!" Reno declared arrogantly, just as the doll suddenly started crying. "Oh come on…" he pouted. "I need food!"

"Maybe the baby does too. Or a diaper change. You can learn to tell what they need by their cries." Patrick informed him before heading off with his breakfast.

Reno had to leave his place in line to figure out what the doll wanted, but he couldn't figure it out, changing the diaper(which was just taking it off, wiping them, and refastening it since it was a robot) and trying to feed them didn't help.

"Maybe they need some attention." A woman suggested to him, and before he knew it, Reno was in the midst of a gaggle of attractive woman, all giving him advice on parenting.

"This isn't so bad." Reno said to himself, mentally smirking. It did his ego good to have the women going on about how lucky Tifa was, and that reminded him of Cloud telling him he was lucky to be able to have kids. An idea for a prank came to mind, and even though Reno knew it was kinda mean since the mako poisoning had sterilized Cloud, it made him chuckle.

"Thank you, sir." the waitress told Cloud as she took his order while he was waiting for Tseng to join him.

"Thanks for your service." Cloud replied as his partner finally showed up, giving the waitress his order in the same tone he ordered his subordinate Turks around.

"You're always friendly with the help." Tseng admonished him.

"I know how thankless a job working in the service industry can be." Cloud automatically replied, used to Tseng's occasional snobbiness. They ate their meal in companionable silence, until the check came, and the waitress handed it to Cloud instead of just leaving it on the table. "What the…" Cloud was stunned when he read the handwritten note on it.

"Let me see that." Tseng took the bill from him and read the note. " _I'm pregnant, call me_!" A dark look flitted over the man's face. "RENO!"

"Can I help you?" Tifa questioned the two men dressed in hospital orderly uniforms, wondering why they were knocking on her door.

"Is Mr. Reno in?" the taller one asked.

"No, may I ask what this is about?" she demanded.

"We have orders to quarantine him for 72 hours as a precautionary measure." the shorter one told her.

"Well, he's not…" Tifa fell silent as Reno came walking down the passageway to their cabin.

"Are you Mr. Reno?" the men asked him.

"Yeah." Reno had been expecting some kind of retaliation for his prank on Cloud, and didn't resist when the men put restraints on him.

"Please come with us, sir." they told him.

"Sure thing." Reno agreed. "Oh, would you mind doing something for me?" he asked Tifa quickly.

"Take care of the baby for you?" she asked him disparagingly.

"Nah, I'll do that, it's our deal. Just tell Tseng and Cloud it was worth it." he smirked at her before he let the men lead him off.

There wasn't much to do in the quarantine section of the infirmary, except take care of the baby, so Reno slept mostly.

 _He found himself back in the room with his professor and girly selves. "Oh, not you two again! This is all your fault!" he accused them._

 _"What are you talking about?" his professor self asked._

 _"If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have gotten Tifa pregnant. Now I'm trying to prove I can be a responsible parent so she'll marry me. Dullsville is going to get me as a permanent resident!" Reno complained. "And if I don't prove myself, I'll lose my parental rights. She'll have stolen my manhood no matter what!"_

 _The professor stared pityingly at him while his girly self blushed fifty shades of red at the sexual innuendos. "So you're afraid of being boring? Then why not teach your Tifa to have fun if you think she doesn't?" his professor self logically and pompously replied._

Reno woke up then, staring at the ceiling while he listened to the baby cry. "It's so simple…I can get her to have fun!"

Tifa was deciding what to order in for breakfast two days later when the door suddenly opened to Reno holding a box. "Oh, you're out of quarantine now? What's in the box?"

"It's time we start celebrating." Reno smiled salaciously at her.

"Celebrating what?" Tifa stared blankly at him. "Where's the baby?"

"With my parents. It's customary to find a sitter so we can have a honeymoon." he replied. Before Tifa could question him further, he took her in his arms and kissed her.


	28. Chapter 28

"What did you mean about a honeymoon?" Tifa asked him later as they lay naked in each other's arms in bed. She hadn't meant to accept his advances, but he _was_ good in bed, and since she was already pregnant, there really was nothing to worry about. And…she was physically attracted to him, finally admitting it to herself. "We're not married yet."

"So? If we do get married, it will be on the last day of the cruise, and we probably won't have time to honeymoon after that." Reno told her.

"That's true." Tifa agreed, heartened by him thinking things out. It felt so nice being with someone who could be romantic and sensible at the same time, she thought as she rested her head on his chest. "So what's in the box?"

"I thought you'd never ask." Reno reached one of his long arms around her and picked it up off the floor. "

"This is for you to drink." Reno pulled a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne out of the box and handed it to her. "And _this_ is for me." he said as he pulled out a bottle of scotch that Tifa recognized as a very expensive brand.

"What else is in there?" she asked, sure there had to be more.

"The rest of our honeymoon fun." Reno's smirk was ear to ear as he carefully lifted out his vintage D&D game.

Tifa blinked in surprise...the man was actually serious! A smile spread across her face too...she had always wanted to learn how to play it when she was a teenager, but her parents forbid it, then came the whole Sephiroth issue and she got entangled with saving the world. When it was over, she had her bar and orphaned kids she had adopted to take care of. "Better late than never." she murmured, smiling more when he looked questioningly at her.

A knock on the door startled them both, and Reno hurried to answer it. "What is it?" he snapped as soon as he opened the door. "Our tournament's just getting good!"

"I...was just going to ask for the doll back. Tomorrow's the last day of the cruise, remember?" Cloud stared disbelievingly at a Reno clad only in a cloak three sizes too small, and he saw Tifa in the background sitting at the table, wearing an attractive robe with some kind of game in front of her, and he didn't want to know anymore.

"Oh, already?" Tifa wondered at how they lost track of time. His parents had brought the doll back at some point, but taking care of it didn't interrupt their gaming.

"Thanks." Cloud said when Reno distractedly handed the doll to him.

"No problem." he said, then noticed how Cloud was staring at him. "You like smart men, right? You wanna know how smart my…" Reno started to needle Cloud but the blond interrupted him.

"I already know you're a smart ass." Cloud told him condescendingly. "Glad you two are having fun." he said before leaving with the doll.

"Hey, you didn't get my grade from that thing!" Reno told Tifa as he closed the door. "We had a deal."

"Oh…well I watched you take care of the baby, I know you passed." she smiled reassuringly at him. "But we're not leaving this room to get married til I kick your butt this time!"

"That's what you think!" Reno retorted smugly. "I'll show you what a dungeon master really is!"

"Do you, Richard Sinclair, take Tifa Lockhart as your legally wedded wife, to love and cherish from this day forward?" the shipboard minister asked him. It was the last day of the cruise.

"Yeah." Reno replied, feeling a bit weird that he was actually getting married, but Tifa was alright after all.

"Do you, Tifa Lockhart, take Richard Sinclair as your lawfully wedded husband, to love and honor from this day forward?"

"I'll do my best." she promised.

The minister took a deep breath, wondering why they gave rather lackluster answers, but it was none of his business. "Does anyone have any objections to this union?" he asked the guests; Patrick, Jillian, Cloud, and Tseng remained silent. "Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." There was nothing lackluster in Reno's passionate kiss with Tifa as the photographer took pictures.

 **SEVEN YEARS LATER**

 _"What are you two still bothering me? I married Tifa, there's nothing more you can do to me." Reno told his professor and girly selves, who were involved in reading a book and working on some embroidery respectively._

 _"I am bothered by your presence as much as you are with mine." Reginald closed his book. "But I don't know why we're all here yet."_

 _"Maybe it's cause he's doing that wrong." Reno gestured towards his girly self._

 _"I've won prizes for my embroidery!" his feminized version of himself exclaimed defensively. "How would you know I'm doing it wrong?"_

"Wake up!" Tifa snapped, and Reno opened his eyes to find an unhappy Tifa staring at him. "You fell asleep while watching the kids?!"

"Is anyone hurt or is anything broken?" he asked concernedly, getting out of his recliner.

"No, thankfully." she informed him as their three young children were all occupied watching TV. Eyeing his ratty _Dungeon Masters Are Sexy_ t-shirt he was wearing, a smile came unbidden to her face. "You know they're spending the night at Cloud and Tseng's, don't you?"

"Yeah, it's our anniversary." he replied cheerfully. Married life had turned out to be not that bad overall. Tifa could be a pain in the ass, but she never got personal when she did complain. They just had to learn how to compromise on their ideas of running their household and raising their kids.

"Here's their overnight bags." Tifa handed them to Tseng when he and Cloud came with their adopted daughter Cirra to pick up the children.

"Your embroidery skills have gotten really crappy." Cloud told Reno as he saw the ratty t-shirt.

"So have your conversational skills." Reno fired back. Tseng and Tifa ignored the exchange, having long ago realized that for some reason, Cloud and Reno just enjoyed harassing each other.

"Have fun, my babies!" Tifa hugged each of their children. Junior was the oldest, followed by Amy two years after that, then she was two when Patrick was born.

"Yeah, and behave yourselves, okay?" Reno tousled Junior's hair, and patted the heads of their other two kids.

"We will!" their young voices promised as they eagerly went out to Tseng and Cloud's car.

"It's just you and me now, buddy." Tifa said to her husband when she stopped waving at the car as it drove off.

"You get the box, I'll change." Reno said, running upstairs as he threw his clothes off.

Tifa shook her head at his slovenly tendencies, though she never regretted their marriage. It wasn't that challenging at all, especially since she remembered what Jillian said about how sensitive he was, and was careful what she said when they disagreed on something. But she didn't have to be sensitive now…a positively wicked grin appeared on her face as she got the game box out from its special hiding spot, putting it on the table just as Reno reappeared in nothing but his cloak. "Ready to lose?" she taunted him.

"I should ask you the same question." Reno said as he sat down at the table opposite her. He scoffed at her as much as he did at Cloud's derogatory comment about his embroidery. This was a handmade newer cloak that fit his lanky self, and he had been making their children's Halloween outfits every year himself as well.

"Oh, before we start, I need to give you my anniversary present." Tifa said.

"Well, what is it?" Reno wasn't happy at the delay.

"I'm pregnant again." she informed him with a smile. "Happy Valentine's Day, my love."

Reno was stunned by her revelation and her endearment. It had almost scared him the first time she told him she loved him, and he still wasn't quite used to it, any more than he was used to telling her he loved her too. "Hey…that's cheating!"

"Oh? That coming from Mr. Dungeon Master? Lost your skill at this too?" she teased him.

"Oh, I'll show you what a master is!" he swore, then smiled and then reached over and grabbed hold of her hand. "Happy anniversary, Tifa."

"Happy anniversary yourself, Reno…now quit stalling!" she insisted, and they both had matching merciless smiles on their faces as they started the first half of their celebration.


End file.
